Written by pinxit

Saturday, 6 November 2010

image for Electric Chairs 'Create Einsteins'
"Throw the switch for Instant Genius..."

[ALABAMA - PSE) After research from Oxford University scientists published this week found that applying a tiny electrical current to the brain can make people better at learning maths, evidence has now emerged from the USA that the last few moments of prisoners executed on the electric chair had resulted in their brains developing IQs 'the size of a planet'.

The findings come from researchers meticulously going over eyewitness statements of all electric chair executions performed in more than 25 states since it was invented by Dr Alphonse Rockwell and first used in 1890.

"We were shocked." says head of the project, Dr. Watt. "A consistent pattern started screaming out loud at us, much like those of the electrocuted prisoners, if the accounts are to be believed."

"One of the victims of 'Old Sparky' apparently solved Pascal's and Fermat's last Theorem in 15 seconds. Another did Rubik's cube in her head in less than 10 - and she was a humble uneducated servant in the Deep South." Watt enthuses.

"The proof is all there in the testimonies, it's stunning! One of the executed, a man of previously extremely modest intelligence was heard to trot out not only the value of Pi to 5000 decimal points, but also Zeno's Paradox and Cantor's Infinities - in under 17 minutes. Quite often they didn't get the voltage right you see - apparently he was well over halfway to solving the 'Grand Unified Theory' when smoke was seen to come from his hair and then his head exploded." says Dr. Watt.

"As of 2010, electrocution is still a method of execution in the U.S. states of Alabama, Florida, South Carolina and Virginia. These lucky people on Death Row can now opt to go out with a 'Big Bang Theory'." says Watt. "The potential of this discovery is immense. Can you imagine what incredible solutions to age-old problems humanity could possess if say, we wire up Prof. Stephen Hawking's wheelchair to the mains and throw the switch?".

"Let's hope that, now we know what enormous mathematical and scientific benefits to mankind that death by electric chair can deliver, its use will become widespread throughout the civilised world."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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