The FBI Computer Crimes Unit has presented its plans to global law enforcers to prevent the illegal use of person-to-person software to distribute ‘terrible music'.
Usually in charge of internet fraud and hacking prevention, CCU began preliminary searches of the use of popular programs such as KaZaa and Morpheus for swapping the pop genre. Original findings were ‘most unsettling' as they discovered more and more students were being exposed. CCU now believes that as many as one in three students could be downloading ‘crap tunes' instead of the Begees. "It's scandalous, what's going on here!" cried fuddy-duddy agent, Doris Maly, "hardly anybody wants to download my collection of Gary Glitter tunes."
Astonished with the sheer amount of work that lies ahead of them, CCU still believes that they know the best course of action, "missy". Plans were unveiled to flood internet traffic with old b-side tracks renamed as popular songs. This, CCU maintains, will force students to listen to at least the first thirty seconds of ‘good tunes' before trying to re-download their original requests. "Oh, we know it's a long shot," pilfers head of CCU's Music Prevention Squad, agent Ethel Howard, "but I've been working with computers since the abacus, so I think people will start to see reason".
What to do with the youngsters who are caught still remains unclear. Traditionally, companies use the court room to decide what to do with perpetrators but several of CCU's staff have been throwing some more creative ideas about the office: "I've always wanted a live-in maid," confesses agent Howard, "and au pairs have so many legal rights nowadays".
Meanwhile, students all over the world have been stunned by the action. Most complain that it's their decision on what they can and can't listen to and will download music as long as there exists an internet. However, some actually agree with the action, claiming that shows such as pop idol, boy bands, and Geri Haliwell have ‘crushed' and ‘eradicated' appreciation for genuine musical talent. "I'm sick of all this G-Unit, Will Young, Aguilera bullshit", says an anonymous mature student, "why can't we just have Doris Day like the good old days?"