Gore to EA Sports: "Get It Right"

Funny story written by Nick Brandon

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

image for Gore to EA Sports: "Get It Right"
Al Gore

EA Sports, the manufacturer of popular, realistic sports video and action games for all gaming platforms, is set to release its newest installment of the NCAA Football franchise later this summer.

In the words of the game's color announcer, ESPN's Lee Corso, "Not so fast, my friend".

Former Vice President and 2000 presidential candidate Al Gore has filed a federal injunction against EA Sports, citing EA's "inability to get its facts straight". The injunction claims that, due to the game's lack of sensitivity to global warming, NCAA Football 2011 cannot be released under the licensing of the NCAA and its respective member schools.

"This gaming format misrepresents the institutions of higher learning that are working hard at their respective levels to educate their students about global warming", Gore said. "The fact that weather changes and the effects on localities are not taken into account is a direct violation of the spirit of these universities, the Democratic Party, and the Obama global warming agenda".

The NCAA Football franchise allows players the ability to take control of their favorite FBS (formally Division 1-A) football program and guide them towards the BCS Championship Game. In Dynasty Mode, gamers control every aspect of their teams, from scheduling games to recruiting prospects for their teams. This process allows the gamer to determine the fate of their teams for an indeterminate number of years, through a myriad of weather conditions. This is where Gore finds fault.

"If you look at the games, some people can take their teams as far as 2040, 2050, and so on. The problem is that, in late season games, EA still thinks that there will be games played in the cold and snow. That's just not the case. Global warming means that in the next ten years, November and December games in Michigan and Minnesota will be played in August-like conditions. More shocking is the fact that teams like the Naval Academy, University of Maryland, and the University of Miami are still included in the game. Global warming is causing the oceans to rise and these schools won't exist in their current locations within twenty years".

Skeptics of global warming prefer the game just as it is. Jimmy Joe Johnson, a self-proclaimed Tea Party activist from Madison, VA, believes that snow will continue on into the future and will remain a part of late season college football. "We got snow here this winter. A lot," Johnson says. Referring to the two major blizzards that ravaged the Mid-Atlantic states this past winter, Johnson stated, "It done snowed twice as high as my dog and I had to dig my truck out a couple times. That ain't warming to me". Gore, aloft in his (non-carbon emitting) private jet, believes that global warming was directly responsible for the blizzards in question. "Water vapor is a greenhouse gas. And as global warming continues, more water vapor is going to be in the air so that when it does get cold now, precipitation will fall as snow. But that won't be the case in the future, and that's where I have a problem".

This isn't the first time EA Sports has been in hot water over one of its games this year. The release of the popular Tiger Woods PGA Tour franchise was delayed because of its failure to notice a 'hidden' component of the game. Players could unlock a '19th Hole' feature, in which the gamer's golfer avatar could select from 19 women of varying beauty following a tour victory for a 'night out'. The evening's experience would help to determine whether the golfer would play well the next week or get chased across the fairway by a golf club wielding spouse. Upon discovering the error, EA immediately pulled the game to make the '19th Hole' function more readily available for its 18-25 year-old demographic. EA's NFL Madden 2011 is also under intense scrutiny for its addition of a new "Pit Bull Blitz" that can be used only against Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick.

EA Sports has 90 days to respond to the injunction or the game must be halted until such a time as it is acceptable to Gore. If the injunction fails, however, Gore has another trick up his sleeve. "NCAA 2011 can be connected to my internet for live gaming. I'll just shut my internet down. Global warming naysayers will not have a forum on something that I created," Gore says. However, that may be easier said than done. Sources with knowledge of the impending divorce from his wife Tipper say that "the internet is a point of contention concerning the terms of the divorce. Al Gore is willing to split it 50-50, but it is unclear whether his half would contain the necessary elements to shut down internet gaming".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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