Geeks Unlikely To Get Laid This Decade Come Up With New Contraceptives: Ray Guns

Funny story written by ronin47empire

Wednesday, 16 June 2010


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Come. Let's go and blast your balls with ultra sonic waves so you'll have no sperm for the next six months.

The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation dropped nearly $100,000 on an idea of using ultrasound as a temporary and reversible male contraceptive. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? Let's rephrase. Bill Gates gave someone a 100Gs to blast your balls with supersonic weapons so all your sperm die. It's only scary 'cause it's true.

The scientists have already tried blasting the balls of male rats, with "promising results." With further testing on lower mammals we could have this being done on humans before 2012. The big game plan, apparently, is to have this being used the world over to replace most other forms of condoms.

Excerpts from the Times news article say something along the lines of "Ultrasound produces a heating and vibrating effect that appears to disable sperm cells and deplete the stem cells that are required to replenish sperm reserves in the testes. Post-treatment images of the rat testes showed the tubules inside the testes completely lacking in sperm with almost no immature stem cells"

The scientists behind this blasted theory are convinced that there's a marketful of men who're willing to do this. Of course, it's quite possible that the scientists who proposed this plan are in no danger of having sex with anyone, since they clearly don't understand either gender of the human species.

This little nugget, full of pointless facts, would be fine, and could easily be dismissed as another novel way for Bill Gates to fritter away the fortune he's acquired through skill and cunning.
Except... it's obvious to anyone who's read the last few sentences that Bill Gates has entered into a conspiracy with a condom company or two. There's absolutely no way in hell that any sober or even drunk-out-of-his-frikking-skull guy would agree to it.

A case study was conducted by this reporter on a drunk colleague:

MAN 1: Hey, man, you're drunk.
MAN 2(drunk and bent over): Hey, man, I'm drunk too.
MAN 1: What's 17 squared?
MAN 2: A lot of f#$@ing squares.
MAN 1: I think in this stage you're likely to indulge in risky sexual behavior.
MAN 2: I wish… yeah, sure. Why not?
MAN 1: Come. Let's go and blast your balls with ultra sonic waves so you'll have no sperm for the next six months. That way, you won't knock anyone up.
MAN 2(suddenly straightening up): No, I think I'll get a university education that'll statistically help me earn a higher wage. I found your theories on differential equations fascinating. Yes, I'll major in that or fractals. You have a splendid day, old chap. (shakes hands) and, if you ever speak of blasting my balls again I'll have you killed. You must know that. Carry on.

I think it's safe to say that this form of contraception isn't going to catch on. I don't think anyone's that secure. So why is Bill throwing his money away? There's only one group of people who stand to gain: the condom companies. Given the choice between having some crazy frustrated med student take aim at my family jewels and lower the carat value, however temporarily, or buying a rubber balloon at 10 bucks a pop, I think I can safely predict my reaction.

So what does the future hold? In two months, the Gates Foundation is expected to announce a $2 million grant for a proposal to have small spaceships fire phasers at the general abdominal area to also reduce motility and act as a contraceptive. That's when you'll know for sure that ol' Bill Gates is in bed with the condom companies for sure. Yes, tiny little microscopic spaceships with Phasers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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