jTablet to challenge iPad

Funny story written by jmf

Sunday, 6 June 2010

image for jTablet to challenge iPad

SHP, Stone Henge Products Ltd, officially releases its new jTablet today. The revolutionary device is a real gamechanger say industry insiders. SHP's latest device builds upon several centuries of work by the mainframe manufacturer.

In a statement issued last week, Steve Doles, CEO, said: "The majority of the public are aware of our solid reputation as a mainframe developer. For the last century our primary focus has been Super Hard Drive Mainframes and Stone Core Duos. In recent years, the trend has been toward downsizing. We have returned to our roots with the jTablet. It is a little known fact that our first commercial deal was a one-off venture over three millenia ago, in which we obtained an exclusive contract to build the stone scroll used on Mount Sinai. The spec was rather limited then, neverthless we produced a basic 10 bit device with ROM output to the scroll screen. So this is not a new direction for us, but a return to basics. We hope consumers appreciate the exhaustive testing and intensive development that went into our latest product, which distils our accumulated knowledge into a single device."

The jTablet retails at around $280 dollars, undercutting Apple's new iTablet, its main commercial rival.

An SHP spokesperson commented "We are confident that our device outperforms Apple in terms of features, processing power, speed, and price. We are oldschool and our products reflect our longstanding commitment to quality and performance without sacrificing durability. As such our products come with a lifetime warranty as standard, with the option of a descendant warranty for an additional $25 dollars".

A descendant warranty is essentially a warranty that lasts for the lifetime of the original purchaser's descendants. It has caused controversy in the past as it is effectively unending after a few generations have passed, as a descendant can practically always be found who can then claim the warranty should the product malfunction.

The jTablet is made from an exotic mix of the latest cutting edge materials. Genoan slate is imported specially and forms the structural backbone of the device. It is specially perforated in a proprietary process in order to hold the core processing units, which are made from the finest quartz, sourced from Spruce Pine, Blue Ridge Mountain, North Carolina. The casing is made from Parian marble obtained from the Greek island of Paros, while delicate internals are created from the finest Parisian limestone.

The jTablet ships with a few apps already preloaded, though it is thought the number on offer will increase dramatically once developers are given access to the source code. Of the existing applications available, three in particular are quite remarkable.

The first is a stone skimming simulator, in which the user can skim a virtual stone over a simulated body of water of their choosing. Current options include Loch Lomond, Lake Windermere, The Atlantic, Pacific and Indian oceans, and the Dead Sea, to name just a few.

The second app allows the user to throw a virtual boomerang. A special simulated injury mode, unique to the jTablet, mimics the effect of the boomerang hitting the back of the user's head by firing a small electric pulse to the neck area. First impressions are excellent, Aborigines in particular are said to be thrilled with this new toy.

The final app of note is a sonic boom directional intensifier. Although very laden with jargon, it has been informally dubbed the "virtual football" by avid users. In essence, it creates a special, intensified sonic boom, or pulse, which is then targeted at certain things. However, on most objects it has little effect. The only exception to this is glass, which it seems to crack in a nice symmetrical effect, almost like a frosted spider's web, hence its nickname.

It is unclear as to what the legal implications of such an add-on may be, but there are sure to be some ramifications of its unguarded use. For the time being though, users are free to wield the app according to their whim; a strictly worded disclaimer protects SHP from indemnification.

SHP, headquarters Salisbury, UK, places the device on sale today. The jTablet is available from all good stores and retail outlets, priced at £190 ($280)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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