London - (Ass Mess): "Well, the wedding night was a complete disaster," conjoined twin Maisie Throttlehotter complained bitterly.
The 21 year old was replying to reporters' questions about the failure of her 24 hour marriage to conjoined twins Rex and Roger Charmsworth of Little Hampton, Sussex.
"My ever-loving sister Daisy claimed she had a headache," Maisie continued, "and that anyway her period must be due, so let's not soil the hotel bedsheets.
"Whose vagina is it anyway? I asked, knowing damned well that in Ischiopagus twins - such as ourselves - a slight tendency for all internal organs to be inside the dominmant, left-side twin make the cavity mine and mine alone!"
Maisie and Daisy were born with their lower torsos fused, spines conjoined, four arms, four legs but only one set of internal organs, genitalia and anus/rectum between them.
After a worldwide campaign to find the perfect love match the girls eventually found what they thought might be true love and happiness when conjoined male twins Rex and Roger answered a Lonely Hearts column in the romance/dating section of The Spoof website.
"Yeah, and that's when the trouble really started," Daisy explained.
"Our first date went well enough; the guys were handsome, fabulously rich and jolly heterosexual - or so we thought!
"They even admitted to being famous Spoof website writing combo Moose & Squirrel!
"Imagine.
"Anyway they behaved like perfect gentlemen during our whirlwind courtship of seven days and then popped the question!"
A lavish Las Vegas wedding soon followed, crowned by what was supposed to be a Halo! magazine-sponsored wedding reception ahead of the eagerly-awaited nuptial night.
"That's when disaster struck," Maisie continued.
"Bad enough as it was with Daisy's sudden-onset PMS paranoia, things rapidly went from bad to worse.
"Rex and Roger got completely rat-arsed on a gallon bottle of creme-de-menthe and decided to slip out from the honeymoon suite for a few hours on the town.
"My sister and I meanwhile dozed off in the jacuzzi, only to be woken up by hotel security telling us our newly-wed husbands had just been busted... for soliciting gay conjoined triplets called the Harbottle Brothers and can we go downtown to post the $10,000 bail check?
"Effing Nora, those were my final words on the matter.
"We just packed up and left without bothering about the bailbond or our newly married spouses."
One year on and the girls' divorce papers are almost signed. A TV deal is on the cards as well as an appearance in a reality TV show about the perils of mismatched romance.
Maisie and Daisy meanwhile are thinking about 'having the operation' - "yeah, a sex change!" - and their ex-husbands of 24 hours have joined the Obama Administration as relief massage consultants.
And best of luck to Moose & Squirrel!
