Cop Leaves Living Will Asking to Be Brought Back As Cyborg; Unwilling to live life as vegetable, cop would rather be robotic law enforcer

Funny story written by Philip Moon

Saturday, 12 December 2009

image for Cop Leaves Living Will Asking to Be Brought Back As Cyborg; Unwilling to live life as vegetable, cop would rather be robotic law enforcer
"We Could Use a Hero in Baltimore"

Baltimore, MD - Baltimore police officer Dan Gorgonowicz, a ten year veteran of the police force, recently filled out a living will asking that in the event of substantial injury or mutilation on the job he be taken off hospital life support and become part of a cyborg experiment. Gorgonowicz said recent events have prompted the move.

"Recently during an investigation I was chasing Big Tony, the biggest drug dealer on the docks. While running through a warehouse he nearly fell into a pool of acid that would have greatly disfigured him and been just short of fatal. I managed to grab him at the right time. He thanked me, saying he'd have had to get a form of sadistic revenge otherwise. Instead he'll focus his wrath on our informant," Gorgonowicz said.

The near consequential act made Gorgonowicz consider the consequences of being horribly mutilated in the line of duty. While he gets ample life insurance and health coverage as part of his job, he said he couldn't consider a life as a vegetable or cripple. Before signing off, though, he consulted his priest.

"Officer Gorgonowicz posed some interesting questions when we spoke of the ethics," said Father Louis Siciliano, "While the church does not have a position on cyberborgnetics and the ethics of it, considering it would allow Gorgonowicz to continue his noble task of protecting the community, I allowed that he could sign off."

"Besides," Father Siciliano added, "With a murder rate seven times the national average, we could use a hero in Baltimore."

Dr. Albert Isaacson, Head of Human Cybernetics at Johns Hopkins University, says that the technology currently exists that could turn an average cop into an advanced crime fighting machine, but medical ethics have prevented any extensive testing.

"The amount of surgery, pain, and mental and psychological remapping involved far exceeds what could be allowed under medical ethics. Mostly we're limited to using our work to help patients recover their basic functions after injury. A full remaking and cyber enhancement could only be done in the most extreme of situations. It would take a lot of lawyers to sort out, or one determined Police Chief wanting to have his officer live," Dr. Isaacson said.

Emma Brant, doctor Isaacson's attractive twenty-six year-old intern, said that Gorgonowicz has some of the desired characteristics of a cyborg cop experiment, but that there were other costs related to the program.

"Officer Gorgonowicz is young, strong and ruggedly handsome, but the program isn't without its side effects. His memory might be erased by the incidents and he would have his emotional slate wiped clean as he would have to be programmed to act rationally so as to avoid impulsive behavior. That would mean he would be unable to feel fear, anger, empathy or love," said Brant, looking wistfully into the distance.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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