Recently captured as mathematical sequences of numbers embedded in radio wave transmissions from deep space, the numerical sequences have been decoded to reveal surprising references to the Earth.
In one long message, the translation appears to be a travel commercial featuring other planets in the Milky Way, recommending that Earth might be a suitable place to stop and rest along the way.
"This explains the UFO sightings, and why they never seem to stay", says nebbish scientist Poindexter Pudcock. "The messages reference the Earth as a rest stop only, rather than a tourist destination. It's a good place to stop for some fresh water and to take a dump".
Further analysis into other streams of the mathematical data reveals that alien stool is not what we would normally expect to find. "Some of the aliens visiting our planet are quite large in size, and their waste is actually a higher order pile of functional bio-mass", says Pudcock. "Their poo looks like and acts like people. Actually it looks a lot like a politician".
Further explaining the U.S. congressional system and its seated members, along with the substance most likely to come out of their mouths, Pudcock says, "Yes it was disappointing to find out that Earth was only the galaxy's port-a-potty, but this does explain our current group of shitty politicians."