London - (IVF Observer): Followers of pre-Islamic tantric sex goddess and Miss Fertile Crescent 500BC Al-Lat have renamed key dates in the Wiccan lunar calendar ahead of this Friday's apocalyptic Virgo new moon.
The almanac forms the basis of virtually all pagan conception manuals or 'hand jobs' as they are known in coven parlance.
Its full moons are attributed to the quality, quantity, duration and depth of orgasm needed to fertilise an average female ovum.
The next full moon for instance on October 4th is now known as the Sperm Harvest Moon because testosterone-fuelled Mars is trining Uranus in the background.
It is followed by November's Hunter S Thompson moon named after the 60s writer whose narcotic experiences were all the better for having frozen his butt off sitting outside staring at the sky.
The next full moon is the Split Beaver Moon, so called because of the graphic centerfold appearance of the lunar surface as seen by the naked eye from the Presidential Suite penthouse at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
And so on and so forth.
Harvard Professor of Parapsychology Dr V Smartt said today 'This is lunacy'.
Venus enters Virgo for Eid El-Fitr on Sunday 20 September.
