Written by matwil

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

image for 'Man Dies of Dying' Shock
'Trust me, I'm Dr. Kelly'

A man today died in England, after living for 89 years, from what medical experts have called 'dying'

Speaking from the Scarling College of Mongerborough, in Little Sillyseason, Wessex, Professor Grant Milker said: 'This is a major worry for the public. It is estimated that many more cases of dying may break out by November, and there is little that government departments, subdepartments, subsubquasiquango departments, and lots of leaflet makers can do except to get millions of pounds of funds to bring out leaflets telling people to

(1) Wash their Hands, and (2) Breathe air. But our research is continuing, and we are close to a sensational breakthrough on the cause of dying. It may have something to doing with getting old.'

Many were shocked by today's death by dying, and in the House there was a heated debate about it. 'Under THIS government', Tory leader David Cameron said, 'there have been lots of deaths, and today's news of a man that died from dying is just another shocking example of New Labour inefficiency. Why, when were in power most people that died at least died from malnutrition or hypothermia. Dying from death is not acceptable in the 21st. century!'

And Labour's Prime Minister replied: 'Just because we have nothing better to do than fiddle our expenses and fly to Washington to say 'Yes, Mr. Obama, no, Mr. Obama, anything you say, Mr. Obama', doesn't mean we can ignore this devastating and pandemical, hyperbolical and diabolical outbreak of death from dying.'

'Us socialists [jeers from Labour benches] know from harsh experience just how difficult it is to take the incidence of someone dying from nothing much in particular and turning it into headline-grabbing news. Handy for the newspapers, when British soldiers are dying in Afghanistan for no reason and banks are being defrauded, and the UK is splitting up.'

Until quite recently 83% of people who died in Britain died from plain and simple dying, with the rest being killed in car crashes and rare illnesses, and excessive vomiting due to watching the once proud United Kingdom being reduced to being America's poodle, with embarrassing, effete sycophants like Messers Blair and Brown acting like a cross between Shirley Temple and Michael Jackson, whenever they appear in public.

But now 83% of people who die die from either swine 'flu, bulimic obesity, squirrel 'flu, earthworm AIDS, expressmailitis, journo 'flu, brussellosis, or goebbels syndrome, a common condition nowadays where symptoms include wild exaggerations about trivial ailments, refusing to notice sending your money to fund pointless nuclear submarines and pointless wars in the Middle East,

refusing to notice that since 1990 there hasn't been a single identifiable policy by any government to vote for, and refusing to believe a bunch of childish crap about non-existent threats from various 'flus, and non-existent threats from non-existent 'weapons of mass destruction'.

The antidote to all these dreadfully scary health scares is to not be American, or to not vote for Parliament. And to stop buying newspapers. They'll be the death of us all.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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