Overwhelmingly Large Hadron Collider Fired Up In Russia

Funny story written by Incoming Dessert

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

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The Scientific Divide

Last night, Russia released the news that its own particle collider is up and running- and it's even bigger than CERN's.

Work on this collider has been going on for years now, but the Russians quite sensibly told people that it wasn't actually going to kill people before the media took hold of it.

The Large Hadron Collider has terrified a large proportion of the Western world, due to a few scattered scientists claiming that it was going to kill us all in a black hole. As CERN tried to calm things down, and more and more people began to break down in fear, it appears that nobody noticed the similar experiment going on in Russia.

And as more details are released, it appears that the Russian experiment was even bigger than CERN's. The main collider ring is over three kilometres longer, and particles are collided at a fractionally higher speed, meaning more new particles may be produced. As well as this, it may also increase the chances of a black hole.

However, due to the world's continued existence, it appears that nothing destructive has come of it. CERN scientists are now using this example to calm worldwide 'doom mongers', although several have expressed a deep annoyance that the Russians beat them to it.

Even this has failed to assuage the most outspoken of the doomsayers though. One theory of the moment is that the black hole is warping time around itself, and so the world is doomed- just not for a while yet. Others say that we've already gone through a hole, and are now on the other end of a wormhole on the far side of the universe.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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