Written by chris whewell

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

image for Why Does It Always Rain On Me? - The Answer
Gordon Brown - "A Right Honourable Miserable Bastard" (yesterday)

Travis asked the question. Why does it always rain on me, they sang, in their plaintive Scottish lilt. Fair question. Why is it that it always seems to be pissing down with rain in Britain?

Now, a research team of brainy boffins with nothing else to do, have studied the problem after one of them brought in his dad's radio-cassette on a Friday afternoon and played Travis' dirge-like tune.

It seems that the problem is caused by the naturally gloomy disposition of British people. Their constant whinging, mithering, carping and moaning creates a sour mix of expectorated bile and steam, which rises to form cumulo-nimbus clouds.

As this vast blanket of vented spleens builds, it is forced ever upwards by yet more whining utterances from the population gathered below, cooling and condensing the vapour held within, which then falls as a soft and constant drizzle (the type that gets you wet through to the bone)- in itself stimulating yet more gloominess.

Anna Kronism, spokesperson for the Bury-St-Edmunds Polytechnic, Knackery and University research team said, "If only Britain's people could cheer up a bit - the weather would improve to something like we normally expect to find in the Mediterranean, but without all the greasy food and bad cups of tea. And there'd be none of that bloody queuing at the airport and garlicky-breathed taxi-drivers. No foreign money to be ripped off......"

It is also believed that, because of the incumbent Prime Minister's perpetually dour outlook on life, London has of late been shrouded in a dense and persistent fog, reminiscent of the old-style pea-soupers of the 1940's and 50's.

Ex-Prime-Minister Tony Blair smirked smugly and said, "Gordon has always been a misery-guts. The weather was much, much better when I led the British people, and it was no coincidence."

"My smarmy grin brought us all a little sunshine - Go on! You know it did. Think about it - Bad times equals bad weather. It pissed down all through the blitz y'know!"

"Still, I can't be bothered with all that these days", he continued. "I'm well on the way to being the Pope!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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