Ancient Comet Wipes Out Earliest American Settlers

Written by Sarl Cagan

Monday, 14 July 2008

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In their latest findings, researchers Richard Bridgestone and Allen East say that they have found compelling evidence of a Native American culture predating the Clovis people, who were long thought to be North America's first colonists. The evidence stems from their earlier research into a comet believed to have struck the Earth over Canada some 13,000 years ago.

Recent discoveries of gold, silver, and diamonds as far south as Ohio and Indiana that were found to have been of Canadian origin are, Bridgestone and East suggest, likely debris ejected by a comet of up to 3 kilometers (1.86 miles) in diameter that exploded over the Canadian wilderness with the force of thousands of nuclear bombs, bringing the Ice Age to an end.

"It was like boom! Boom! Badda-boom-boom-boom! Boom!" Bridgestone was quoted saying recently, flailing his hands theatrically.

But calculations soon proved it unlikely that such a concentration of gold, silver, and diamonds as would be necessary for the traces found throughout the northern United States was unlikely to have occurred naturally. Bridgestone and East now suggest that the precious metals and gemstones were gathered by a thriving, previously unknown Native American cultural group that venerated them.

"We call them the Basal Laurentide Indigenous Native Group, or BLING, for short," Bridgestone said. "We believe that they mined gold, silver, diamonds, you name it from all around the continent, and wore it as rings, bracelets, and necklaces, in piercings- possibly even used gold for false teeth. So much gold that they must have been weighed down by it. The reasons the BLING culture did this are unclear, but they may have included religious symbolism, signals of cultural status, and attempts to obtain the most and best sexual partners."

"What we do know," Bridgestone continued- "is that when the comet struck, it hit the heart of BLING territory- and that the gold, diamonds and silver that were spread for a radius of hundreds to thousands of miles amidst the meteorite dust is all that was left of the unfortunate Blings after their organic remains were instantly incinerated."

As to the age and origin of the BLING culture, Bridgestone and East are less confident- though East suggests an African origin. "After all," said East, "look at all those big honking elephants that used to run all over the US! And lions! Can you imagine seeing a freaking lion in your yard…?" he trailed off, with a distant look in his eyes.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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