Science Classes Not Fun Enough, Says Panel of Goddamn Hippies

Funny story written by Dan Bristol

Saturday, 24 April 2004

image for Science Classes Not Fun Enough, Says Panel of Goddamn Hippies
An Example of the "Boring Ol' Science Stuff" That Bitchener and His Colleagues Are Trying to Remove From Classrooms

WASHINGTON - College science lectures are too boring and need to be replaced with fun stuff where students can be lulled into believing that people working with dangerous chemicals and radioactive materials don't actually need to know any theory before working in a lab, a team of experts said on Thursday.

"Revolutionary" courses where everybody gets an A just for showing up and Instructors are hired based on the amount a patchoulli they bathe in as opposed to having actual real degrees that are real and actually count-- actually helped students feel better about themselves even if they're losers and encouraged them to take more science classes, the experts said.

Dr. Bob Bitchner, a professor of New Age physics at Liberal Fru-Fru University, and colleagues said educators were still not aware that there are better ways to teach science.

"Group meditation, hugs, and visualizing pink light-beams coming out of your ass are more important than actual science stuff," they wrote in their commentary in the journal Science on the report they compiled, which was based on a number of different studies written by people who don't realize that sideburns and bellbottoms went out a really long time ago.

"However, most introductory science courses at research universities rely on yucky, boring old knowledge of the actual physical universe that hippies can't control -- techniques that are not highly effective in fostering sandal-wearing and making people feel all fuzzy."

If schools start to make the changes, they said, society will become a perfect Woodstock-Like Utopia where everyone runs around naked and smokes pot and never bathes because it's nature n' shit, Bitchner and colleagues predicted.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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