A government investigation carried out into the causes of Mad Cow Disease or, to give it its scientific name, Meatpie Spongiform Shakeaboutabit (BSE), has concluded that steak and kidney pies consumed at football stadiums were FIFTY TIMES dodgier than pies eaten elsewhere.
The findings are grim. Football supporters run the risk of bearing the brunt of the disease's onslaught if they are amongst the tens of thousands of fans who 'nipped out for a pie' during the interval at a game.
Investigators found that the pre-conditions for the onset of BSE were a raging hunger, a ravenous appetite and poisoned meat, and discovered that all three exist at football grounds at halftime.
Ken Pasty, one of the investigating team said:
"Football meat pies are deadly, we know that. But this is something new, something disturbing. If fans eat a pie, and move from side-to-side to keep warm, the beef reacts in such a way as to leave the pie-eater, well, Spongiformed."
Out of the 92 football grounds where food was tested, 91 were found to be serving substandard fare. Only Premier League strugglers Wigan Athletic, with their National Football Centre of Pie-eating Excellence, measured up.
Alan Tatie, Head of Catering at Wigan, said:
"We take a lot of pride in our meat pies. They are guaranteed not to cause Mad Cow Disease, although we have had a few cases of Botulism, and a couple of old dears, Sam and Ella, got upset tummies last season."
