Cyberworld - Depressed, desperate, frustrated, angry and sad. Is this you? Then perhaps you have fallen into the murky mists of Seed's 'Blank Screen Law'.
Social Science and Anthropology students and lecturers at the University of Kent have finally fully classified the symptoms and causes of the so called 'network paralysis', but not yet the cure, of this curious mind-state disease.
According to Jerimiah Seed, head of the team specialising in this department, the first signs of this disease, as laid down by his law, is a 'deep sense of hopelessness and loss' when staring blankly at the computer screen; wishing it to do something interesting without putting effort into it.
First, according to the recently published and acclaimed article 'Explaining and Defining Seed's Blank Screen Law' (2007), a particular site such as Facebook, Myspace, or TheSpoof.com, sets high level of satisfaction to the individual.
Sadly, no website is able to keep up with this level of satisfaction 100% of the time and the individual (Person X) is soon drawn into a state of paralysis. He sits, blankly, staring at the log-out Facebook page, wondering first what will happen next on Facebook (etc). Will his friend reply? Will the boy/girl he/she likes respond? Will anybody poke him? At this stage he then enters the second phase.
The second phase is perhaps the most distressing of all; the individual is so caught up in a particular site for a period of time, that nothing else exists or could exist. Person X sits, still silently, and wonders 'Is there anything else on the Internet apart from Facebook (etc.).
Reality is postponed, the mind is taken over by a layer of wires and waves, ideas and networking before (if serious) entering the third phase.
The third and last phase is perhaps rarely reached, but Seed and his team can in no way be certain of this statement due to budget cuts on research materials. This phase is guessed to be the 'Is there more to life than this?' phase.
Personally, I and indeed Seed's team, would both like to confirm that there is, but despite this the Canterbury Research members are still wondering if anything can actually cure this absurd mindset of the brain.
If you relate to the symtoms described in this article; please stay tuned! We may reveal the cure soon on this site, so keep looking!
Jaffa Forbes (Dip TEXTPROC Level 3)
This newspaper article is dedicated to C. Northgate Parkinson; may we all lighten up.
