The comet-haired physics teacher, Stanlonso Del Van Der Graaf Barber Shop Quintet Nucyulus-Sharpe, also known as Sweeney, WAS in the cupboard with Fambly, it was claimed a hundred years ago. And last night.
Sweeney, who has always denied the persistent rumours, except when he drank three bottles of 'Futtles Sherry' at a parent's evening, is said to be staying at a friend's house until the furore blows over. Sources close to Greebeck maintain he is staying at Greebeck's house.
Sweeney, editor of 'Quantum Electrodynamics Today' due to his mastery of the art of blackmail, was initially flogged, drawn and quartered, then suspended on full pay following the allegations. Fambly merely drove around in a faster car.
The 'Cupboardgate' affair put an end to a promising career in physics. Sweeney was, at that particular time, working on the theory that "air isn't made of wool", a fact which was confirmed in 1979 by a total idiot. The idiot later went on to collect the Nobel Prize For Being Stupid, while Sweeney had to be content with a goldfish in a plastic bowl. Subsequent research into 'Atoms And That' also proved futile, although he did establish that they were "quite little". Following a career change - he joined Billy Smart's Circus as a three-legged midget - Sweeney's drinking took its toll, and friends deserted him in droves. Actually, that's not true - about two friends deserted him, and it was in ONE drove.
He eventually managed to quit alcohol in 2002, by attaching electrodes to his ankles; whenever he drank, an electric circuit was set up which made his hair look like Ken Dodd. He has never touched a drop since, although he is convinced that centipedes follow him wherever he goes.
Donations and flowers from mourners are welcome, even though he isn't dead.
