Written by matthatt

Saturday, 2 June 2007

image for Stupidly obvious news reports on the increase.
Research shows that newspaper readers have Jell-o instead of a normal brain.

London, AssPress-: It has been noticed by various media watchers that the intelligence level of the average news story has declined of late in an effort to keep up (or down) with the ever decreasing attention span of Joe public.

News reports entitled "politeness missing from society" and "happiness isn't always guaranteed in life" are leaving some people a little nonplussed due the very obvious nature of the story content.

Mr David Average said "I am quite surprised that some of these stories even need to be written or that some of the research conducted by well respected seats of learning seem to dwell on such mind numbing obviousness"

Tony Blair's "respect czar" Louise Casey stated recently that "It's important to help old ladies across the road. The greatest pleasure you can give yourself is to help somebody else,"

"Well, DUH!" exclaimed Mr Average, "Thank God Louise Casey is around to let me know that, otherwise I may well have gone through my entire life never helping anyone, what a genius she is!"

Therapists from California State University, Northridge and Virginia Tech say accepting that life sometimes has problems is better than constantly expecting perfection.

"Pure gold and worth every penny they earn" said Mrs Anna Lee Retentive "I'm so much happier since my counsellor told me to not expect something for nothing, who would have thought it? It really is a shame that I'm such a fuck-wit, but as long as I have people like this around, I know I will be well cared for"

Another recent news story seen in the popular media was regarding the reason for population movement, which stated that, "If someone is unhappy where they are living, the chances of them wanting to move elsewhere could increase"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: jelly

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