Doctors take breast exams into their hands

Funny story written by Jack Battler

Tuesday, 15 May 2007


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BETHESDA, Md. - Recent research shows American women are revolting against having mammograms, opting instead to have a more "hands on" breast exam, which may partly explain why rates of cancer have decreased significantly in the last few years.

After nearly a decade of an increase in mammograms, women across America are demanding that doctors take matters in hand and perform the checks personally. That's good news says Nancy Le Bras, Ph.D., of the National Breast Cancer Institute.

"We are tired of putting our breasts up against cold hard machinery," Le Bras said. "The warm comforting hands of a tall, handsome doctor are what women prefer. The thing is, when a woman enjoys an exam she is more likely to get checked sooner and more often. And not only that but I believe the stress induced by cuddling up to metal during the test may also be linked to increased incidents of cancer as well. I don't have any real proof of that but medicine is such an inexact science. Give me a strong human grip over a cold clamping sensation anytime."

The proportion of women reporting a mammogram within the previous two years has fallen to below 2000 levels, Dr. Le Bras said. And apparently some women have testified that they can actually feel the manual tests working.

"I get a tingly kind of healing sensation when I have a real talented doctor examining me," said Justine Wently, a recent exam patient from Spring Falls, Md. "I used to only get checked yearly when they had the machine going, but now I like to go every month if I can. When I feel the warm hands of my doctor and I look into his eyes I just know I am going to stay very healthy."

Le Bras commented that it is important to note that this is not a rejection of technology as such but that many factors go into the very personal choice of how women want to "take their medicine."

"We have also noticed a clamor for younger, more attractive doctors," Le Bras added. "We hope this will encourage more women to continue to prefer the manual manipulations of their mammalian protuberances over the computerized machine tests. We don't mind technology, but at the same time it is important to keep the human touch in medicine."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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