Written by Kagendo

Friday, 23 March 2007

image for Red Sox Ace Daisuke Matsuzaka Suffering from Severely Inflamed Gyroball
Surgeons at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center Evaluate Matsuzaka's Balls

Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein, Friday, revealed that Japanese pitching ace Daisuke Matsuzaka was suffering from what could only be described as a "severely inflamed gyroball," which may well land him on the disabled list.

"Frankly, we're concerned about Daisuke's balls," Epstein told reporters, "They're not as low as we'd like to see them, and the whole gyroball thing is getting a lot of people worked up."

Dr. Henry Bennet of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center says, "With a healthy Japanese player, you'd expect his balls to drop down and away, but we've noticed that Mr. Matsuzaka's balls consistently creep upwards. This could get him into some trouble, if we can't find a way to help him keep his balls down."

Management has also expressed concern about Matsuzaka's mental well-being. Psychiatrist David Spencer has had the pitching ace under evaluation.

"Mr. Matsuzaka has repeatedly expressed his desire to have a count of one ball or even no balls and that this would be preferable to a count of two balls. This is worrisome to me."

Matsuzaka's teammates are concerned about him as well. Fellow ace Curt Schilling voiced his support.

"I've never had a gyroball, so I can't tell you what one feels like. I just try to keep my balls low, with a lot of motion. You really gotta make sure you don't ever just let one hang there."

Matsuzaka is expected to remain under observation for several days before doctors and management are able to make a determination about whether his balls are really ready for the pressure of Major League action.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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