A Palestinian shepherd boy with a rum-pa-pa-pum drum was wandering on the outskirts of Jerusalem, trying to hide from Israeli police, who had just beaten up his grandmother for breathing without a permit … anyway, the kid was digging in the dirt trying not to regret being born in such a shithole country, when he pulled up what he thought was a dried, crusty, pork rind (oh the irony!).
He chewed on it for a few seconds, but then spit it out since it was too salty and bitter and rancid. So he took it to a local archaeologist, who did some studies and found that it wasn’t pork – it was a male’s foreskin preserved for over 2000 years!
Christians automatically assumed it a piece of godly pork from their Lord’s dick, so there has been a bidding war going on for the past two weeks. Catholics, Russian Orthodox, the Amish, Baptists, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Shakers (they still exist?) the world over have placed their bids on what they truly believe is the foreskin of Jesus Christ.
“I want to worship it!” said a nun from Vatican City, Sister Agnes Skinslurper.
A Russian Elder, Peter (another name for penis) Goatbanger, has said, “I would get on my knees with my ass in the air for just a tiny lick of the Lord’s penis skin! Thank God our Christian Messiah was Jewish so that he could get the snip and we could have a souvenir!”
The Pope hasn’t been reached for comment, though a cardinal close to the Pontiff has said, “Oh boy, the Pope’s gonna win it – he’s got the most money and power! When he gets it he said he wants to be alone with it for a few days … probably praying and such – then he’s gonna blow a load on it and shove it up his ass – no, scratch that, I’m not supposed to say that part out loud – and then it will be in a museum for the world’s Christians to kiss and bow to and pray over and hope that one day their sons will also have famous foreskin!”
Ah, the dream, the dream! May all Christian males have holy foreskin one day … if you pray hard enough and crucify the kid, you just might get lucky!