Eating Toast Saves Lives Scientists Discover!

Funny story written by Jaggedone

Friday, 26 March 2021

image for Eating Toast Saves Lives Scientists Discover!
Lifesaver which conquers any virus on the planet scientists say!

(NOT EDITED) A life-saving bi-product of the vaccination effort has been discovered by scientists who had no idea how important it is, eating toast!

Global scientists involved in diverse vaccination projects have two common denominators, no sex, and consuming plenty of junk food. However, one UK scientist, Edgar Hovis, who worked 24/7 for six weeks, and nearly died doing it, (Who needs a fucking Covid-19 virus for that?) discovered he became immune against sleepless nights by tucking into various versions of toast!

He has now published a White-Brown-Scientific-Paper that confirms the following variations of toast can save people's lives because without a slice of toast, and a cuppa, he would have ended up 'Brown Bread!' (Quite brilliant that, Einstein would be proud!)

Here are the scientifically proved toast variations that will save our miserable lives:

A) Welsh Rarebit offers an alternative to plastic cheese pizzas, is covered with healthy Welsh Cheddar, Irish butter, and can be consumed with a slice of brown Hovis, or thick white; a certain lifesaver, but no sugar-soaked USA versions please!

B) White bread toast smothered in raspberry jam guaranteed to plug one's bowels while working 24/7 shifts attempting to save the human race, thus avoiding any form of dehydration because there is no need to hop to the bog!

C) Toasted Hot Cross Buns! They are obvious because when Jesus was resurrected Hot Cross Buns were toasted all over the planet to celebrate life, hope, and immortality!

D) Burnt toast, brown or white, a brilliant way of keeping alive by consuming burnt offerings, which counteract ravaging cancer cells just like Covid-19 vaccines, which are really just viruses being pumped into sick cells to punch the virus's fucking lights out by tricking them, and eating burnt toast has the same effect!

E) Toasted Bagels also have Hebraic roots, and eating them will make sure your race will survive anything thrown at them.

F) Beans on toast, guaranteed to blow anything rotting inside you out of your rear orifice!

So, ladies and gentlemen, throw away your healthy smoothies, flashy veggie/vegan diets, junk food, non-carb diets, and bury your teeth into TOAST!

Just to get your appetite going, listen to this:

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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