New drug causes heart attacks to reveal heart problems

Written by Frank Cotolo

Thursday, 8 February 2007

image for New drug causes heart attacks to reveal heart problems
It tastes great when you chew it

NARAGASSET, Ohio -- A new and inexpensive drug taken to ignite coronary attacks for people who may have heart disease has increased the risk of dying among those taking it, according to a few doctors who are currently playing Squash when interviewed.

The drug was developed to help people who don't know they have heart disease. The drug induces a heart attack so that the person doesn't have to be surprised when a heart attack occurs. Then the person can move on to fixing the heart problem without worrying about having a heart attack.

The problem, however, is that the drug, currently called Tripsitoff, could ignite a fatal heart attack and, like all fatal heart attacks, kill the person.

"Tripsitoff," said Dr. Ewell Begone, who was instrumental in developing the drug, "does what it is supposed to do. Death is just one of the side effects it has and we warn people of that."

The concept in itself has been controversial. "Finding out people have heart disease by giving them a heart attack is madness," according to Dr. Michael Russianose, who admits to enjoying cartoons that are computer-generated. "I lost a brother to a heart attack and I would rather have lost him to a heart attack that was not induced by Tripsitoff."

Dr. Begone said that his records revealed that only three of six people died from taking Tripsitoff and "that is a damn good percentage. You try to get that at a bank."

Diet-expert Vester Cornpolk, who has had twenty heart attacks over the past five weeks while running his high-pressure vegetarian-food cannery, said, "I didn't know I had heart disease and then all of a sudden, whammo, I am getting heart attacks. Now I know I have heart disease and I never took Tripsitoff. If I had taken that there is a good chance I would be dead right now. Instead, I have survived twenty heart attacks. And remember, I eat nothing but vegetables, so something is really wrong with me."

Dr. Begone's paper on the subject of healthy hearts, written and published before he developed Tripsitoff, was so controversial that five heart specialists discontinued extra-maritial affairs they were having when they read it.

Begone has always felt, he said, that the heart wants to express itself fully and that is what causes heart attacks. "We all have them daily," Begone said, "but those of us with diseased hearts feel the attacks and the attacks that are felt are the only way to tell that disease is there. It is much like how we see milk has gone bad by smelling it."

The death rates of four groups of Tripsitoff patients set off a worldwide attempt to ban Tripsitoff, except in France, where it was considered cool to put Tripsitoff tablets in wine, have them dissolve, and drink the wine down in one gulp.

Tripsitoff costs only fifteen cents a pill, making it popular just for the price. "I took it," said Morgan Devalve of Jersey Point, New York. "It tastes great when you chew it."

"At that price I think it is worth taking," said Orson McLubby of York Point, New Jersey. "I haven't had a heart attack yet, so I feel great about taking Tripsitoff. Now I know I don't have heart disease and I can eat all the fat and grease I want."

"This radical approach," said a spokesperson from the Federal Commission of Heart Health and Pulmonary Satisfaction, "is what makes people like Dr. Begone rich while killing hundreds of people. The FDA approved Tripsitoff first because it was sure that people who were healthy would not be affected by the medicine. The FDA never thought for a moment that people would die from Tripsitoff, especially since all the tests performed on the drug before its release showed that there was not a trace of poison in it."

"I only care about the people Tripsitoff saves," said Dr. Begone. "And I will fight to have the medicine save more lives, no matter how many people Tripsitoff kills."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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