London - (ReUterus): Scientists unravelling the complexities of what attracts wannabe porno novelists to the mysteries of internet comedy writing have found a link between the male brain's pleasure center, alcohol and symptoms of penis envy.
Writing in The American Journal of Clinical Pornogaphy, Professor V Smart suggests that a newly discovered sarcasm gene may be directly responsible for strong urges to lampoon female reproductive organs as symbols of derision, especially in multi-million dollar earning actresses, singers and catwalk models.
This trait has been monitored in a clinical sample of web-browsing males aged 7 to 99 and found to correlate directly with subliminal fears of manly inadequacy.
"Far from being some lunatic feminist nonsense, penis envy appears to be a male-on-male neurosis that is widespread among highly competitive males whose prime directive is the scoring of points over one another through the medium of derision.
"A borderline personality cannot clearly distinguish between raucuous manly humor and downright sexist crap because the pleasure zone principle will constantly over ride any rational portion of the cerebral cortex.
"This mostly affects heterosexual males in testosterone-deprived scenarios such as monogamy. The gay community is just as prone but not nearly as easy to out."
Not much is known about Professor V Smart except that he is believed to be over 6ft 8 inches tall, have the perfectly honed body of an Olympic athlete and the interal reach of an Andalusian bull during the rutting season.
And - oh - happily married with ten children and $50 billion
in his CityBank checking account.
