Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

image for "Global Warming? Bring It On!" say Inuit
An artist's conception of an Eskimo lady in 2121

The effects of so-called Global Warming will be felt hardest in the cold countries, but some Inuit have indicated they would welcome dramatic climate change.

"Bring it on!", said Erik Kayak, 23, of Nuuk in Greenland, adding, "once the ice is melted, we can go and live in Oslo or Copenhagen where they have all the nightclubs and girls!"

His view is a popular one. For centuries, the Eskimos have had to live a life of freezing isolation on the ice sheet, whilst the rest of civilisation basked in the sunshine. It's been too much for many, especially those who loathe existing on a diet of fish and penguins, and their numbers have dwindled away.

Today, Greenland, with its 48 trillion square mile area, has less than 600 residents, each one of them having to themselves an area equivalent to South Dakota.

If so-called Global Warming continues at its current rate, by 2010 this massive expanse of ice will have shrunk to an island the size of Fort Lauderdale.

But locals are unconcerned.

Rapper, Ice Cold, speaking from his half-melted home in Qaanaaq, said, "Yo! Dat ice gonna melt! Make dis a green belt! Muddafocka, what you at? You after ma pelt?"

His rap partner, Ice Pop, who is also his wife and bitch, told how it was difficult to reach their audience from such isolation.

"Every night before we go to bed, we have a fish supper and pray for so-called Global Warming. We light fires everywhere to try and melt the ice more quickly."

However, there may be more problems on the horizon. The Norwegian government has already scuppered Eskimo plans to relocate, by stating that it will not give Rights of Residence to the Icemen after their country has defrosted.

Former Manchester United midfielder Jesper Olsen, now Prime Minister of Norway, said in a statement, "Fock datshit! Dem slitty-eyed muddafockas can kiss ma white ass!"

Eskimos have 26 words for 'snow' and 19 for 'bitch'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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