Written by Samuel Vargo

Saturday, 30 May 2015

image for A science experiment in Boston: Three stories of trash and half a $5 bill encased in ice remain as Old Man Winter heads south for a while
A winter wonderland's worth of trash piled three-stories high in Boston is a science experiment?

BOSTON, Mass. - Remember that horrible Boston winter that had a blizzard effect all over the cable news networks? Well it's still around. It's not snowing on the East Coast now that Memorial Day has come and gone, but the remnants of last winter stand as a stark messy memorial of the icy, snowy, mushy mess which was Boston's Winter From Hell 2014-15. And this massive mountain of refuse, looking like a landfill dump that is trying to impersonate a skyscraper, is situated on a large parcel of land just off Tide Street. And in between all this junk is ice. Yes, ice, as in Brrrrrrr, that's cold.
There was just no place to put all that snow that came down over the winter. Cars were buried underneath it all and snowdrifts became as TALL as NBA basketball players as road crews frantically tried to find places to stockpile the white stuff. So mountains of snow and ice were warehoused in large land-locked icebergs that took on the amorphous and monstrous shapes of warehouses in industrial parks in off-the-grid areas of the city. The worst was a 75-foot-high pile just off Tide Street, which has shrunk to a more modest three-story pile of dirt and trash, according to a Huff Post Weird News entry posted Friday (May 29). Many Bostonians are probably wishing the snow and ice were still there to cover over this ugly mass of trashy filthiness. An array of household items, bicycles, traffic cones, and even half a $5 bill that is still encased in solid ice - like a dinosaur fossil, no doubt - makes up the pile of rubbish, according to reports.

According to The Boston Globe article: "Somerville also has remnants of the winter haunting the city. Over by Assembly Row, on a state-owned piece of land, two piles of snow stand, looking more like small, ash-covered volcanoes."

LET'S TALK MONEY: Never mind these geographical details, I've got money on my mind. I can't believe that the half of the $5 bill wasn't dug out of that rock of ice. I thought Bostonians were a lot more clever and opportunistic than letting something like this go - hey, there's got to be the other half of that Abe Lincoln note buried nearby. What gives? I have half a notion to jump a freight train headed to Massachusetts to dig around that junkpile myself! There's a pack of generic cigarettes entombed there, if I can find that other half and tape them together so a convenience store clerk will accept it as currency.

"The fact that it's still there is a science experiment waiting to happen," said Michael Dennehy, commissioner of the city's Department of Public Works. - Is Commissioner Dennehy speaking about the frozen half of the $5 bill or the big mountain of trash here? From the placement of the quote in the story, I think he's talking about the broken bill, but he could be talking about the political science of what the city administration will do with that Vinson Massif of a dump heap. Who's to guess?

SCIENTIFIC THEORIES: In Boston, it's 90-degree days oftentimes as the springtime progresses into summer and all this mess has to have something to do with that Global Cooling theory. Do you need any more evidence that Global Cooling exists? Jiminy Crickets, man, you've got a six-story mountain of proof right there in The Athens of America that melted, leaving behind a three-story dump heap! That 'science experiment' Commissioner Dennehy was squawking about, just off Tide Street, is proof in the pudding! See, with 90-degree days looming, the iceberg melted because of the 'cooling' effects of the refuse, particularly from the heat given off by the bicycle tires, which are made of rubber, are black, and are excellent conductors of heat, leaving a half of a $5 bill encased in a large shroud of ice with the other half buried deep in that nasty pile of rubbish. And some lucky devil somewhere in Boston - if I don't get there first - will surely find both pieces of that torn $5 bill, Scotch tape that jagged ragged thing together, then trade-in that stoic- and somber-looking Honest Abe for a pack of Kentucky's Finest filtered full-flavored smokes. And the cooling effects of the ice and snow stuck in the centers of those orange highway cones further compounds the fact that melting and cooling occurred simultaneously within those plastic-encased crevices - like raging little forest fires. According to my calculator and the mathematic equations I have at my disposal, sparks had to fly and fires were ignited within the centers of these highway cones. - If this isn't a textbook example of Global Cooling theory that even Paddutius Tarantula Thistleblossom, Ph.D. and Science Professor at Goodblatter State College, couldn't come up with, I don't know what is! It's garden-variety scientific theory!

WAGERING ON WINTER'S WRATH: Meanwhile, back at Boston's Trash Mountain, the members of the Boston Street Department are looking at this horrid thing and shaking their tired heads. Indeed, they had a long, trying, tough winter fighting the heaping snow that came day after day after day. But according to The Boston Globe, some members of the street department crew that fought Old Man Winter's wrath for so long have taken on a gamesman's attitude about it all, leaving winter's harrowing haunting horrors behind them, like ever so many X-ed off calendar days. - They've contrived a poll to guess when the last remaining snow will finally vanish from the Tide Street Trash Mountain.

"I said by May 30, but that's this weekend. It's still weeks away from melting." Commissioner Dennehy told The Boston Globe earlier this week.

Hold that betting line, Commissioner. I want to get in on this wager fest. I'll bet a brand-new, crisp, $5 bill. My scientific method dictates that all the snow in your Seaport District's 'Trash Mountain' will completely melt by January 2016; and that's when the Global Warming will start kicking in, melting everything, including the pack ice in Antarctica, around the North Pole and well into the Yukon (but it will leave most of upper Siberia frozen as stiff as a bicycle tire). Unfortunately, much of the equator will freeze. - The buzzword today is climate change - not global warming or global cooling - and it's really, really weird.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: boston

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