Written by queen mudder

Sunday, 21 September 2014

image for Edinburgh Zoo's panda on medical marijuana program after 'losing' cub
Notorious for it: Tian Tian's cousin Ming Minger also 'lost' her cub...in Gateshead Shopping Centre

Edinburgh, Scotland - Feckless time-wasting panda Tian Tian has been accused of faking yet another pregnancy despite a certificate of fecundity from keepers at Shanghai Zoo from which she is on loan.

Scottish veterinarians had become convinced the fluffy Chinese diva was well and truly up the duff after testing urine spills in the maternity enclosure.

Sadly it was all over last weekend as the final pee swab tested negative confirming keepers' suspicions that they'd been taken for a ride by a real pro.

Now veterinarians from Colorado Springs Zoo Panda Breeding Program in Colorado, USA have been brought in as conception consultants and are recommending Tian Tian is put on a radical new medical marijuana regime.

And the science behind it? Exhaustive tests in the USA have shown pandas absolutely loathe artificial insemination almost as much as they hate 'pervy' human observers of their natural matings.

But a couple medical marijuana cupcakes a day can often nip these breeding phobias in the bud.

That's where THC comes in.

The key cannabis compound has been found to significantly aid panda conception and treat morning sickness as well as prevent the build-up of toxic free radicals that lead to phantom pregnancy.

Researchers are convinced these toxins act like hormonal beta blockers, simulating the sort of phantom pregnancy symptoms that have now twice fooled keepers at Edinburgh Zoo's breeding program.

So all being well Tian Tian will be put on two ounces-a-day of Colorado's finest hormone-stimulating weed from this Tuesday when the Autumn Equinox coincides with a new panda ovulation cycle.

The plant is indigenous to Upper Mongolia where most pandas in the wild take their annual vacations.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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