Albertsons buys Safeways

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Friday, 7 March 2014

NEW YAWK, NEW YAWK -- As more states move to legalize "medical marijuana" use, Albertsons will purchase Safeway in an attempt to "take on" Walmart, and the two supermarket chains will compete as one against the world's largest retailer (yes, that would be Walmart).

"There will be no shortage of Ho Hos," Albertson's spokesperson Bo B'miller guaranteed shoppers, "nor will the shelves be empty of other staple grocery items such as beer, candy, and potato chips."

He also assured geriatric customers that "there will be twice as many laxatives and prunes, now that our stores are merging with Safeway's supermarkets."

Although there is not likely to be a shortage of "munchies," there may be, on occasion, in the short term, a few difficulties in stocking such items as milk, bread, meats, poultry, and frozen foods, except for ice cubes," B'miller warned, advising his listeners that they'd "better stock up,"

All told, there will now be 2,400 stores "to serve you," B'miller told shareholders. "Profits should rise quickly and substantially."

Only Kroger, with 2,600 stores, will have more locations, and Walmart may pose challenges to the merged companies' bottom line because of Walmart's lower prices.

B'miller will promote himself to "executive chairman" of the joint operations, once the stores begin to sell medical marijuana in California, Nevada, and other states in which, at the state, if not the federal level, such sales are legal, and Ed Bobwards will become the CEO of the combined stores' operations.

"We look forward to putting a chicken in every pot," Bobwards said, "and an ounce or more of pot in every 'patient' who can finagle a prescription out of his or her doctor."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more