Written by Loxley

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Recently, while describing the new iOS8 software capabilities, Apple representatives ended the press release with a vague statement, "…among other things." Young adults, none of whom actually pay for their phones or services thanks to parental guilt stemming from multiple broken homes, took to the blogosphere to speculate. Unfortunately, the theories built upon one another and spun into wild conjecture.

One blogger posted, "My contacts in Silicon say that the new software allows you to start your washer/dryer from a remote site. Now, you don't have to pause your show to finish the laundry."

Another blogger responded, not entirely on point, "Dibs on the name 'iMaid' for a new app."

A more reasonable blogger, if such a thing does exist, replied, "This doesn't make any sense. How can software even load your laundry from a remote site? You still have to leave the couch to transfer the load."

At which point a young blogger added, "Bahahaha-haha-lol 'transfer the load' and 'iMade' [insert his lazy, pointless emoticons on your own time]."

Followed by, "What's the secret??? I gots to know!"

The conversation came to an abrupt end when a North Korean blogger stated, "I hear new program help print without cord. I near boarder. Come help."

I recently sat down with a Middle Management Apple Representative, whose name seemed useless without a recognizable title, to clarify this damning phrase "among other things." I asked the…let's call him guy, to clarify. "First of all, I could say the same about you. The reason you can't talk to someone with a title is you work for a media outlet that no one recognizes. Anyways, I think the American public is reading too much into this phrase." I then showed him an assortment of clips that depicted hundreds of Americans, presumably employed, camping outside Apple stores around the country awaiting the release of the last iPhone.

"Point made. I guess it will leak eventually. One of our interns this summer pointed out that most relationships have an empathetic partner and a selfish partner. The balance makes the whole thing work. In the U.S., approximately 70% of our market is a selfish partner...only when you consider our global market does the average come back to about 50%. To serve this demographic, we added a shortcut to the keyboard, in the image of a violin, which starts a program to feed the needy partner with predetermined empathetic responses. For example, if your partner or friend sends a 'what an awful day at work' text, your obligations can be minimized. The program responds with alternating "That's terrible!" and "That sucks!" and "What a D-Bag!" Whenever the complainer finally sends a pleasant emoticon, such as a smiley, heart or balloon, your phone will alert you that it is time to tag back into the conversation. Bloggers thought we were helping everyone be lazy with chores. That's ridiculous. We are just helping customers be lazy in relationships. Maybe by 2020, we will have the capabilities to address annoying household chores…the last frontier for the First World."

When asked about the intern who created this idea, the representative replied, "That's the best part. Even though the United States Constitution specifically prohibits involuntary servitude, it is commonly understood that this principle does not apply to student interns. They are summer employees with virtually no pay, but employees nonetheless. So, their ideas are 'work product' and basically owned by the company. Except when they have an actual litigious issue with the company, such as the lack of adequate pay. Then, we reclassify them as 'contract workers.' It is really a win/win for us."

As the meeting came to a close, I asked the representative if the intern would be transitioned into a full-time position. "No, we practically stole from him. Now, everyone is uncomfortable with him being around the office. I heard he emailed our HR Department to negotiate employment or an ownership in the software. That led to our team researching the possibility of adapting his software for email usage as well as texting. He's the best kinda employee, kinda not employee we have ever not hired but definitely fired."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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