University Graduates Happy University Is Over So They Can Start Fetching Coffee

Written by Adrian Booth

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

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After 3 years of intense study, 3,400 hours of revision and £26,000 of punishing debt, university graduates can now pat themselves on the back for making it this far in their mediocre lives.

Brian Middleton spent 3 years at Warwick University studying accounting and has high aspirations to work for, you guessed it, an accounting firm. Your correspondent decided to catch up with Brian as he discussed his first week on the job at KPMG.

"It's really great. I've really been thrown into the deep end by the guys upstairs. For instance on Monday my line managers wanted 2 skinny medium sized lattes, and the next day asked for semi-skimmed milk. I mean, no two days are the same at this job, every day is a challenge!"

Middleton went on to describe the skills one needs to thrive in a big corporation.

"This job isn't for everybody, you really need to use the skills learnt at university and show initiative. If you know a manager usually has coffee at 3pm, then start taking orders at around 2:45pm. You need to demonstrate proficient understanding of coffee products, a knowledge on the pricing of beverages, and superior arse kissing skills"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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