Cardiac arrest? There's an app for that

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

image for Cardiac arrest? There's an app for that
Staying alive, staying alive, ooh ooh ooh ooh

One of the major causes of death among men aged between below twenty-five and above eighty-two is cardiac arrest, more commonly known as a heart attack. Nearly one in every one people will at some point in their lives, die of a stopped heart.

With so many people affected by the failure of just one organ, what is surprising is just how long it has taken applelet manufacturers to design, develop and produce an app that will solve this real, massive problem that massive, real people face on a nearly daily basis.

Step forward French app company, Le Grand App and their latest creation, iHeart.

"This Applelet is amazing," said Mac Buck, editor of App World!. "I've already used it to save a life."

The first stage of the app is to play the tune of Staying Alive by the Bee Gees, a tune wildly regarded as the best rhythm to use when bashing the chest of the afflicted. Additionally, as soon as the app is started, it phones for an ambulance, using the phone's GPS to guide the ambulance to the exact right spot.

"Not everybody can apply the right amount of pressure," said Buck. "It takes a lot of energy."

For these people, the app has a second use, but one which has two draw backs.

"If you don't have enough strength to pound somebody's chest," said Buck, "you can place the iPhone on the person's chest and it will use the vibration facility to do the pounding for you. Sadly, this can crack the screen. I'm not sure anybody's life is worth my iPhone."

The third mode is for emergencies only.

"I'd use the third mode on a family member," said Buck, "as it drains the battery completely."

If the first two modes don't work, the third mode acts like a cardiac paddles, draining the battery into the heart attack victim.

"You have to ask, is it worth not being able to use the phone," said Buck. "For most people the answer is no."

The other downside with the app, is that it costs £1.79.

"If I had to buy it myself," said Buck. "I'm sorry. You might yse L'Oreal, but honestly, you're not worth it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more