Latest NASA Mission - SPERM

Funny story written by Dr. Arthur P. Vandelay

Monday, 6 August 2012

image for Latest NASA Mission - SPERM
Notice the beautiful plummage

Vandenberg AFB / 30th Space Wing (AP) - Like a facial on a Friday night, NASA's latest mission will hit you right between the eyes as they search for information to help the Western Snowy Plover reproduce. The Snowy Plover Ecological Reconnaissance Mission (SPERM) is designed to track and monitor current snowy plover breeding habitats.

SPERM Program Manager, Robyn Swallows says she hungrily awaits the mission science. We only have one shot to make it right for these beautiful endangered birds. I feel like a plover baby chick with my mouth as wide open and hungry, waiting for the biggest anticipated load of data from the SPERM Mission.

NASA, in coordination with twelve Obama Administration committees and departments, are working to close the gap on breeding habitats of the Western Snowy Plover. The Snowy Plover currently uses coastal areas in and around Central California to breed and hatch their young. Unfortunately, there are humans that live and work in the area. "Humans occasionally walk on the beach and this has degraded the Snowy Plover's habitat to just under 3.8 million square miles. A tragedy by any standard" said EPA Spokesperson, Stan Fowler.

SPERM will be loaded at the tip of a big United Launch Alliance Atlas V 500 series rocket with a 5 meter faring and four SRBs. We need to get this big payload to orbit by using the Atlas V vehicle said NASA Public Relations Officer, Roger Centaur.

Once SPERM gets close to orbit, the large payload fairing will split open like a giant banana peel, exposing SPERM to Space. Seconds later, SPERM will be ejected into orbit for the purpose of saving the Snowy Plover from inevitable extinction.

SPERM's primary tool for capturing the huge load of data will be a large single eye at the end of a large telescoping boom unit, affectionately known as EJack. The EJack eye will soak up as much data daily until its hard drive is loaded to its maximum, then the spacecraft will shoot a large load of that data towards the hundreds of lucky open scientific mouths down on the ground at JPL's headquarters in Pasadena California.

The SPERM Mission is another further example of value-added and cost beneficial science for California. Robyn Swallows added, "I am gitty knowing I am going to get a daily flood of data from SPERM for the next 2 years". Ms. Swallows also said she would enjoy seeing PPODs mounted underneath the EJack device.

California Governor Jerry Brown's office was contacted for a quote, but declined to answer any questions regarding the Snowy Plover mission. Insiders in Sacramento suggested that the Governor has had his fill of SPERM banter and that he voted to save the Red Legged Frog instead.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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