JPL/Pasadena California - Scientists announced that the Mars Science Laboratory / Curiosity Rover has in fact discovered a sign of intelligent life on the Red plant. Analysis of the initial data is ongoing; however, there is a clear signature that Mars had, at least in it's past, a life form that was communicating to others on the surface.
The location spotted by the small car sized rover was at the edge of a small depression in the Martian soil. "It appears to be some kind of placard", said Dr. Igor M. Niack, from JPL's environmental sciences division. The placard - loosely translated - says - 'No Admittance, Border Patrol has authorization to use deadly force'.
Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Security was asked if there currently is any US security presence on Mars to which she stated, "No not yet, but it make perfect sense that we need to maintain our rights and our American beliefs throughout the Solar System". The portly and fugly faced secretary went on to say "that we can never be too careful and that the United States should immediately deploy a small troop build-up in the region to look for any weapons of mass destruction or terrorists".
Halliburton spokesperson, Greedy McGreedy, commented on Misses Napolitano's prudence by adding they are ready to deploy a full cadre of effort and support once their soon to be delivered contract proposal for 3.8 trillion dollars will be signed and executed. "We may even bring back Cheney since he has that new infants heart in him" said Halliburton CEO David Lesar.
A White House staff spokesperson fired back saying "that jumping to conclusions about other intelligent life being adversarial is not the position the Obama administration was looking for. We are looking for ways to work with any intelligent life and enable them with some of the same types of programs our country is famous for; EBT cards, Welfare, Medicaid, unlimited unemployment and any other passive bailout programs to dilute our country's wealth".
Not to be out done, Mitt Romney announced that he knows the plight of the Martian and has seen first hand how tough it is to live on the dry and dusty planet. He reminds us all of what a commoner he really is so we don't ask anymore question about why he has not paid taxes in 10 years. Recently Mitt commented, "I ran out of san pellegrino at my mansion in La Jolla after a rambunctious set of doubles and my throat was parched like the Red planet's surface - you all know what I mean."
JPL and NASA have now been tasked to divert all monies from any scientific research into developing troop and contractor transportation to the Martian soil to ensure our true American values. Operation Red Storm will commence as soon as America can figure out how to provide manned space flight again...since we seem to have forgotten how to do that.
China has stated that they are ready to loan the necessary money to the United States for Operation Red Storm. Hu Jintao, leader of the People's Republic of China said "We of course love anything with the name RED in it. Plus, we already have Americans by their fine hairs, and we are really loving this capitalism thing too - it works for us."
