In a stunning move that promises to reshape the world energy landscape while simultaneously addressing raging cultural-religious problems, God has revealed a bold new energy plan through his chosen earthly mouthpiece, Pat Robertson.
"Christianity is under attack from all sides," Robertson declared on his popular television program, the 700 Club, "Secularists, Muslims, Jews, and many others threaten our very Christian way of life, and we are forced to deal with these unsavories in order to maintain the lifesyle that God has ordained for us.
"Until now, it has been a mystery as to why God chose to put America's rightful energy resources underneath the blasphemous and violent muslims, rather than in our own lands. In this hour, however, God has revealed a part of his great plan to me - nothing less than a new source of energy for his chosen people, the Americans."
Roberston went on to reveal the foundation of God's new energy plan: the clean, renewable production of energy from the burning of heretics. According to Robertson, even though the energy that can be harnessed from the burning of a single heretic is relatively small, the resource is abundant, with large reserves spread all over the world. Another benefit, in addition to the widespread availablility of this resource, is the ease of refinment.
"There's no drilling required," said Christian energy expert Rev. Harold Lee, "Cause all them heretics is right up here on the surface. It's just a matter of smoking them out, so to speak."
"Them Heretics burn real good." Lee added.
Reactions to God's proposal have been mixed, though many, if not all detractors would surely serve as fuel under the deity's new program.
"These kinds of comments are outrageous, bigotted, and border on incitement to genocide." said Massachusetts Democratic Senior Senator Edward Kennedy, whose large, alcohol soaked frame is expected to generate many BTUs for the true followers of Christ.
There are some Christians who doubt the claim that God is speaking through Robertson, however, though Robertson is quick to defend the legitimacy of his close relationship to the infinite creator.
"Anyone can claim to speak for God," said a bemused Robertson, "But, you have to realize that I'm the only one who actually does it."
Robertson was referring to claims made by New Orleans mayor Ray Nagan in early 2006. Nagan claimed that God had made known to him His desire that New Orleans should be a chocolate town, meaning a city which is majority black. God later clarified his position to Nagan, specifying a Milk Chocolate city, with blacks and whites living together as milk and chocolate do in the delicious confection.
"It is obvious," Robertson said on his television program, "That God is not speaking through Mayor Ray Nagan, or he would've gotten it right the first time. God never needs to clarify himself to me.
God has previously used Robinson to articulate his desire to have the United States assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, and to clarify the nature of his wrath against former Prime Minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon, the latter having been struck into a coma for relinquishing control of His holiest lands to Muslims, whom God despises.
Production on the first generators is expected to commence within the year, and domestic heretic reserves are estimated to be able to provide cheap, reliable power for several decades before reserves in Europe and the Middle East will need to be tapped.
