Pat Robertson: "I Just Baptized Everyone On Mars"

Funny story written by misha marinsky

Saturday, 17 December 2005

image for Pat Robertson: "I Just Baptized Everyone On Mars"

VIRGINIA BEACH - On his 700 Club show, Pat Robertson announced that he had "just returned from Mars, where I baptized everyone on the red planet."

Robertson also expressed pleasant surprise that "no one on Mars has ever heard of Karl Marx." Robertson continued, "that's one less planet in the universe where the people have not been corrupted by that Jewish Communist."

Robertson was then drawn into a discussion about his comments calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Robertson, looking earnestly at the camera, told his viewers "Not one creature I spoke with on Mars disagreed with me."

Robertson told his audience that he "hoped to travel to as many planets as I can, in my remaining time here before Jesus calls me home." One of his guests asked if he was first going to Earth's moon. Robertson replied that "It has been found beyond a doubt that the moon is barren." He then added "as soon as a colony has been established on the moon, I will travel there to plant the seed of a ministry. I will also offer free transportation to a moon colony to anyone Jewish who will accept baptism. I know the Jewish people love a bargain."

Robertson continued, saying that "the next planet I visit will be Venus. I understand the women there are facing terrible crises." He then asked each of his viewers for a contribution of seven hundred dollars to fund the trip. He told his guests and viewers that "from now on I will be announcing each planetary trip in advance," and that he "will need seven hundred dollars from each of my viewers for each different planet I visit. I simply cannot carry on my mission without your blessed help."

Another guest asked him about his ministry "when you are no longer with us." Robertson replied that he had made plans to have his "body cryogenically preserved and launched into space, out past Pluto into the universe beyond. I believe that the aura of my remains will inspire all that I pass." Robertson then asked each of his viewers to send him seven hundred dollars for that project.

Robertson then held hands with his guests, and said a closing prayer.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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