Pat Robertson: "I Am Crying For Help"

Funny story written by misha marinsky

Friday, 6 January 2006

image for Pat Robertson: "I Am Crying For Help"
Latter Day Elmer Gantry

VIRGINIA BEACH - On his 700 Club television show, Pat Robertson told his audience that Israeli Prime Minister's recent massive stroke was divine retribution, stating "I would say woe unto any Prime Minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the United Nations, or the United States of America." Mr. Robertson, looking kindly at the camera, then gave an explanation of his recent actions.

"My friends, a short time ago, I called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Shortly after that broadcast I met with my staff, and we finally decided to hold a contest here at the Christian Broadcasting Network headquarters. The staff has decided to call this contest ‘Can You Top This?' The staff began placing bets a few weeks ago, and I started thinking of more ways to insult and to offend people who are in the limelight."

"I thought long and hard about it. I spent many a sleepless night agonizing over what I could do to win that contest. I wasn't in it just for the prize, which by the way is dinner at Denny's. No, I wanted to win that contest as a matter of personal pride. I wanted to win that contest because of the prestige it would bring me. And I'm not through yet. The staff is holding a second round, and I intend to win that contest too. I have learned that the prize for the second contest is breakfast at Denny's, and I am already drooling."

"Let's look at the facts. God has enmity against those who "divide my land." God says "this land belongs to me. You'd better leave it alone." I should know because I speak with God several times a day. I have a specialized telephone in my office, and it rings more often that you may believe. Trust me on this one. I got a special deal on T Mobile from a Jewish salesman, who still is unsaved. T Mobile is also one of our blessed sponsors."

Mr. Robertson then closed his show by placing his hand on a New Testament, and looking sadly at the camera said "Please help me, for God's sake."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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