(NOT EDITED) We stand outside the Red Dragon boozer in downtown Birmingham with our ears pricked!
"Hey Tommy, your name is now famous all over the globe, it's a Netflix thing!"
"Yep, I know, Bobby, lassies won't leave me alone, but they're disappointed when they look into my brown eyes, not Irish blue!"
"Yeah Tommy, bummer mate, maybe you can get a pair of those coloured lenses, that'll fool em!"
"Mind you our old mate Arthur's having a grand time with the bitches ever since Arthur dropped his pants and said, "Made in Birmingham!"
"Yeah Tommy, but I saw his pride and joy in the shower after a footy game last Sunday, he needs to attach a concrete block to it just like those Mad Monks do in Tibet!"
"Bobby, ol Jack Grealish, our Brummie lad, he's a bit of a Jack-The-Lad too!"
"Yep Tommy, he's got calf muscles like Popeye, but I don't think he eats spinach, do you?"
"No mate, he likes a good old fashioned Pakistani take-away on Saturday's after downing 5 pints of best Brummie lager, then he drives home pissed as a newt!"
"Tommy, did you hear about him crashing his flashy Range Rover during lockdown, what a wanker!"
"Yeah Bobby, I heard his mini-shin-pads slipped down to this ankles and he forgot to tread on the brake pedal while pulling them up!"
"What a tosser! Banned from driving and a fine for £15000 nicker, never mind, just an hours wages for kicking a ball! My team's Birmingham City anyway, not those flash ponces at Villa!"
"Bobby, Birmingham City! Who the fuck are they! I support Wolves, they're real Brummies over there!"
"Leave it out Tommy, they play in Portugal's colours, can't speak a word of English, and their trainer looks like he just left Jerusalem!"
"Bobby mate, no racist undertones please, we're all multi-culti these days, but I guess your right Birmingham City couldn't even afford a Scottish trainer these days!"
"Yeah Tommy, Bonny Scotland aint what it used to be, even that mob supported by Rod Stewart are utter crap!"
"Rod Stewart, you know that twat who thinks he's Scottish, born in London, and lives in LA!"
"Oh him, Maggie May, Sailing, stuffing Britt Eklund, striped suits, big nose, big dick, and sings like a walrus, and that 'Barnet' mate, can't be real can it?!"
" 'Barnet' Tommy, that's fucking cockney mate, where did you get that from?"
"Bobby, from ol Cockney Jew Boy Tom Hardy!"
"Oh yeah, I remember him, is he really a Cockney?"
"Don't think so mate, but he played those Kray Twins, wicked gaffer, wicked!"
"What he played both?"
"Yeah mate, even the gay one!"
"But Tom's not gay!"
"No, but when he took on the roles, he had to be gay for a while, if you know what I mean."
"No Bobby, never saw the film, too busy watching Peaky over and over again, by the way, do you dig my Peaky cap?"
"Cool man, I ordered mine on Amazon, sold out, so I'm ordering one on Alibaba!"
"Leave it out Bobby, fucking Alibaba, they come from Asia or wherever, you could have popped downtown and bought one at one our Asian shops, no problem!"
"No way Tommy, I only wear authentic gear none of this crap Becks wears!"
"Another Cockney git mate, not as good as our Jack Boy, and the birds loved him too until that dopey cow got her fingernails stuck in his back!"
"Oh, Spicy you mean! She could do with a good an old fashioned Brummie Hot Pot to fatten her up, or one of our special Birmingham curries, I bet she rattles when Becks and her are at it!"
"Come on geyser get a pint in, gotta get back to work, those dustbins won't empty themselves!"
"Alright mate, hey Tommy, you flashing your 'Made in Birmingham' tonight or is she too busy filing her nails?"
"Not tonight Bobby, Wolves are playing Leeds United, Yorkshire bastards, wouldn't miss it for a bit of fluff mate never!"
Both giggle and down their final pint,
Bobby, half pissed jumps in his rubbish truck and Tommy falls over an Indian take-away empty rubbish bin Bobby forgot to put back into its rightful place!
That's modern-day life in downtown Birmingham!