The Suicide Tooth: A Source of Angst for Certain Professionals

Funny story written by The Ruling Authority

Wednesday, 17 March 2021

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Suicide Tooth

A spy entering a foreign country on a covert mission may be captured and interrogated under torture. To prevent the revelation of information that could destroy a network of critical assets, a suicide tooth may have been implanted in the spy's jaw. One firm clenching of the jaw can crush the false tooth, releasing deadly cyanide and leading to instant death. Problem solved, mission uncompromised.

But. The spy must certainly have a life beyond active missions, maybe with a loving family and a fulfilling home life.

How long must he let his Grape Nuts cereal soak in a bowl of milk before it is safe to consume?

Can he take his five year-old daughter to the cinema and share a bucket of popcorn with her and not be concerned about biting down with his back teeth on an unpopped kernel? What a tragedy, her father dead beside her while the animated feature plays on.

What if he grinds his teeth at night, asleep beside his adoring wife?

And even spys must eventually retire, mus'nt they? After a working life filled with danger and worry, how does one find a dentist willing and able to safely remove a suicide tooth filled with deadly cyanide?

Even with the security of the nation at stake, isn't it an unfair burden to place on these dedicated public servants?

Please, write your congressperson to protest this grossly abusive practice.

Thank you.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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