Immature And Extremely Sadistic Author Trapped Inside His Own Short Story Still Screaming To Get Out

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 11 January 2020

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FUCK! I wish I hadn't written that story!

Sources recently confirmed that 43-year-old Jared Wall (an extremely immature and sadistic asshole who thoroughly enjoys writing pointlessly cruel short stories in which helpless characters suffer tremendously before they die) has been missing since early December because he was pulled into a spiritual vortex that opened up above the desk at his home in Wyoming, and hurled him into his latest literary masterpiece.

The 55-page short story, which is intelligently titled "The Haunted Motel By The Woods," is about a lonely and discouraged young 'drop-out' named Thomas Weiner, who works as a 3rd Shift Desk Clerk at a shady old motel outside of a small town in Pennsylvania.

Jared compassionately and lovingly describes the character as "a worthless, lost, pathetic, depressing, hyperactive, scrotum-sucking, douchebag, piece-of-shit, penis-breathed fuckface with no attention span, ultimately destined to fail any course of academic study that will lead to a personally-fulfilling or financially-rewarding career."

In the beginning of the story, Thomas walks back to his dorm room only to find Amber (his "immature, demanding, bossy, narcissistic, spoiled, stupid, unenlightened, energy-draining, manipulative, back-stabbing, 'I-can-do-nothing-wrong,' self-absorbed, nymphomaniac bitch of a girlfriend") giving a blow job to some useless prick she met on a dating site.

Devastated, weeping, and with no willpower to continue school, Thomas drops out and settles for working a simple job at the Krain Motel, which happens to be haunted because 35 people had been murdered there over the past 87 years.

Working completely alone during the nighttime hours, Thomas's state of mental health slowly declines over a period of three months, as he experiences numerous paranormal terrors such as: disembodied faces appearing in windows and screaming at him; orbs floating around in the back pool area; the front desk phone ringing after its been disconnected; upside-down chairs held perfectly in mid-air at the center of certain hallways; pounding noises coming from the floor; thuds coming from all four walls of the employee restroom; cold spots; and doppelgangers in the form of dead relatives walking past the entrance to the building.

At the precise moment when Thomas finally decides that he simply can't take it anymore, the electricity shuts down, and everything turns pitch black.

As he hears the door to the motel basement slowly opening up, Mr. Weiner begins crying.

When the lights turn back on and everything seems OK, however, an 8-legged, 4-armed, demonic, growling shadow figure that had been curled up like a spider in the corner of the ceiling behind Thomas suddenly drops down and establishes its authority over the area by pushing the helpless individual's face into the desk, pulling his pants down, and fucking him in the ass.

Screaming in sheer terror, Thomas then runs wildly into the nearby woods and is captured by an 8-foot-tall hairy creature, who shoves him over a log and fucks him in the ass again for trespassing on its territory. Much to his chagrin, the beast then howls fiercely out to its companions so that they can all take turns sodomizing the one who ruthlessly invaded their living space.

Exhausted, abused, and bleeding profusely from the anus, Mr. Weiner rolls over on his back as the sun rises just in time to have several birds fly by and poop all over his face. (One bird even seems to magically poop in his mouth.)

After limping back to civilization, Thomas stands wearily in the middle of a highway only to get splattered all over the place by a speeding semi-truck.

Editors who have actually read the disgusting, poorly-written, sloppy, overblown mess of a story that has no theme, plot, character development, character arcs, or basic moral point whatsoever, claim that they can hear the author's voice scream louder and louder as they turn the pages toward the end.

Because all of the gruesome ass-raiding, the pooping birds, and the eventual truck accident occurs in the last 5 pages, Jared Wall (now trapped inside his own literature and forced to experience Thomas Weiner's fate every single time somebody reads the story) keeps screaming "Oh My God! No! PLEASE NO! Make It Stop! Get Me Out Of Here! Please God No! Make It Stop! Make It Stop Right Now!... And Get Me Out Of Here!" louder and louder whenever a curious-minded individual sifts through the words that lead to the conclusion.

Stuck in an unfathomable and multi-dimensional reality in which he will relive the story simultaneously if even two people read his 'great piece of work,' Mr. Wall is desperately trying to climb back through the vortex in order to grab all of his drafts (as well as his laptop) and set them on fire despite the fact that publishers have already taken his sculpted and priceless jewel and prepared it for translation into every single language so that people across the globe can enjoy it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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