My previous Magazine submissions have contained a few 'slightly immature' and 'juvenile topics' such as poop, snot, boogers, dildos, masturbation, self-mutilation, vaginal scissoring, cock sucking, titty fucking, penis explosions, and butt sex. In this article, however, I need to address something rather serious and tragic that affects all of us at some point in our lives: losing a friend on Facebook.
It always happens when you least expect it. You’re sitting around on Saturday afternoon drinking beer, stroking yourself underneath your shorts, and staring inappropriately at other people’s Facebook Profiles when you suddenly notice that one of them has “unfriended” you. Why would they do something like that? You haven’t seen or actually spoken to this person for 15 years, and now they suddenly want nothing to do with you. It’s devastating!
As painful and sad as a Facebook unfriending can be, there are ways to deal with your loss and move on with your life. Here are some insights and coping strategies that will help you personally heal so that you can become the strong individual you were before this horrible thing happened.
1) You have to realize that the person did not accidentally hit the “unfriend” button.
It wasn’t an accident, and it wasn’t a computer glitch, either. It was YOU!
Your interests, your hobbies, your opinions, your insights, your creative expressions, and the things you post on Facebook have been found to be negative, vile, stupid, offensive, disgusting, and pathetic. The overwhelming stench of your personality has (once again) driven a positive-minded person away, and the ultimate fact of the matter is that you don’t deserve to be loved (or even liked) by another human being.
These are the reasons why you lost a friend on Facebook and why you will probably continue to lose more of them in the near future.
2) You may need to question yourself as a person.
As you begin to reflect deeply on yourself as an individual with the sadness of this loss, you may even ask yourself a few questions such as Why don’t other people like me? and Do I need major help?
(It's happened before, of course. Remember a few years ago, when the number of friends you had on Facebook went from 215 to 73 in a matter of 4 days? Those were, indeed, very rough times.) But after you got out of alcohol-rehab and straightened yourself out, you found that the number of your Facebook friends had stabilized for a while.
So, why did you lose this one?
The simple answer is that you are pathetic. Will therapy or perhaps even an intervention make you a better person? Probably not. You were born the way that you are, and unfortunately for other people, nothing can really fix that.
The only thing you can really do is cut off all your hair and then cry in front of your bathroom mirror while repeatedly trying to slice yourself open with a dull butter knife.
3) Let the inescapable void of eternal loneliness consume your soul after you realize that there is no possible way for you to ever live a happy, fulfilling life.
There is going to be a very painful moment of realization in which you become fully consciously aware of just how completely doomed you are as a person. It may happen seconds, minutes, days, or even weeks after you have lost this one friend on Facebook, but it will happen.
When it does, do not slip into denial by trying to tell yourself that everything is OK. Everything is clearly NOT OK! You’ve just lost a friend on Facebook! ("Denial" is simply part of the grieving process that eventually leads to "Acceptance.")
Telling yourself that you are a good person who deserves to be loved, is simply part of the stage of "Denial." (If you try to tell yourself that "some people" still like you for who you are, then you clearly have some growing to do.)
You need to move past this stage, so that you can fully accept the fact that you are an untalented, disgusting, brutal, wretched, unlikable creature with irreversible cognitive deficiencies and zero people skills, who is eventually going to die alone forgotten by the entire Universe.
Living in constant denial is not only sad, it’s unhealthy.
4) Do NOT move forward by trying to make new friends on Facebook. They will sense your desperation to be liked.
At this point, trying to make another friend on Facebook is kind of like crying in front of a strange woman and then asking her to sleep with you in order to ease the pain after you’ve broken up with your girlfriend. (In other words, it’s just not cool!)
The individuals you are trying to make friends with on Facebook probably already know that you are simply trying to validate yourself as a person in a sad attempt to fill a huge gap in your life. Taking desperate measures to be liked will only scare other people and drive them away. (Unless, of course, pictures of you smiling and pretending to look happy haven’t already done that.)
Let's face it. You really have no other choice except to move out into the middle of the woods and struggle to survive off of wild berries, tree bark, and your own feces.
5) Try to stay away from happy people who still have a chance at life.
Lonely, broken-spirited, mentally ill, depressed people with shattered lives characterized by utter hopelessness and despair don’t really want to be around you, either. But you especially need to stay away from happy, positive-minded people. The very presence of you may actually ruin their futures.
Have you ever noticed that small children look really upset and then begin crying immediately after you enter the room? It’s not because they are afraid of you. It’s because they instinctively know just how sad and pathetic you are. It disturbs them to the point of tears.
Young children cry when they see you because they are asking themselves two questions:
1) “What kind of a world do I live in?”
2) “How can there be a loving God in Heaven if someone this sorrowful and unhappy exists only to spend years groveling through life like a 'rained-on turd' with legs?”
6) Now that you feel completely devastated, take this time to reflect on some of the other really bad things that have happened to you in the past.
You feel absolutely horrible right now. And this is why you should use this precise moment in time as an opportunity to think constantly about (and deeply reflect on) other times in the past when you felt absolutely crushed and miserable.
Focus specifically on the time when you were turned down by the woman of your dreams. Remember how she rejected you and found happiness in the arms of another man who was better-looking and more charismatic? (Basically another man who wasn’t you.)
Remember the picture you saw of them looking blissful and serene together in each-other’s arms?
Remember how you sat in your room all night (by yourself) weeping bitterly while staring at the wall as one wretched tear after another kept rolling down both of your cheeks before dropping silently (and meaninglessly) onto the dark, blue carpet?
Remember how you woke up the next day and stumbled through hours of depressing misery and sickness only to see yet another couple holding each-other happily at the end of the evening, before the sun set pleasantly around them?
Reflect back in time and just think: The woman of your dreams didn’t want you. In fact, you were the last thing on her mind as she was happily bouncing up and down on another man’s gigantic, throbbing cock!
7) Pass the time by reading some of the motivational books your academic advisor gave you in college.
A) “The World Is Not Your Oyster“… by J.B. Schmuck
B) “The Power Of Reliving The Past Every Day And Never Forgetting Anything That Happens To You”… by H.G. Knob
C) “How To Make Your Own Sadness And Misery Bring Other People Down Constantly”… by E.D. Swollenjoint
D) “Freedom Within: How To Relax And Let More Intelligent People Make Decisions”… by B.J. Peckerface
E) “Major Environmental Catastrophes Involving Toxic Waste“… by I.T. Spilt
F) “Standing In Line: Sometimes They Come Before You; Sometimes They Come After You; And Sometimes They Cum On Your Face“… by I.M.A. Slut
8) Don’t resort to alcohol use.
Alcohol has been known to release tension and stress, and it can also provide relief from the pure exhaustion of mundane, everyday living. Sometimes, it even brings people together to have fun once in a while.
You certainly don’t need any of that. It’s far better that people live within the walls they build around themselves as they continue to exist inside of their isolated shells of daily routine and work.
Especially you. You just lost a friend on Facebook. You need to stay sober and close yourself off from humanity as much as you possibly can, so that you can spend the rest of your days thinking about what a terrible, rotten person you are.
Drinking and having fun with other people is clearly out of the question.
9) Continually work on self-improvement so that you can make everybody around you happy all the time at every moment of the day.
You can actually strive to improve yourself to the point where everybody around you feels positive, enlightened, and happy.
You can also smash in certain sections of your face with a tack hammer before joining a circus, so that small children can laugh at you constantly as you gurgle incessantly and drool all over yourself.
It may sound rather hideous, but making people laugh is definitely a way of keeping them happy. And that’s probably the only thing you are actually going to be good for in this life…
You Facebook Friend-Losing Sack of Shit!
10) Move forward only when you feel ready.
It hurts deep inside when you lose a friend on Facebook who you haven’t seen, spoken to, interacted with, or emailed in almost 2 decades.
The sad truth is that you may never even find out why this person “unfriended” you on Facebook. (For some reason, they felt the need to get rid of you.)
Maybe it was the post you made last weekend describing how you accidentally shit all over yourself after eating a bad bowl of chili, or it may have been the post in which you talked about a really exciting dream you had that caused you to blow a load in your boxer shorts. Those posts could have been seen as offensive. It’s hard to say.
Ultimately, you can’t escape the fact that you lost a friend on Facebook. After you have mourned the loss and shed the necessary amount of tears, you need to pick yourself back up, forget about the past, move forward…
And try to connect with that person on LinkedIn.