The Ultimate Male Dating Profile

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 15 November 2019

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Show that special someone that you are 'the one' they've been looking for!

Dating is never an easy thing. A lot of men have self-confidence issues when it comes to putting themselves out there in order to find a really attractive female. You have to believe in yourself, and put on your absolute best, but you also do not want your dating profile to look boring and generic. Somehow, you have to show that special someone that you are unique, and that you are unlike all the other guys out there.

I feel very concerned about this issue, so I have taken it upon myself to provide an example of what a man's dating profile should actually look like.

You have to introduce yourself, describe your occupation as well as your dreams and goals, and provide details about all of the fascinating things that make you a truly amazing person.


Greetings. My name is Edward Cock. I am a nefariously-offensive, existentially-confused, self-absorbed, narcissistic, sexually-frustrated, iconoclastic nihilist with delusions of grandeur and an uncontrollable drooling problem, who also happens to enjoy staring at people in a pathological manner while they sleep.

I am currently looking for a partner (and true love) who will never cheat on me, shove a broken tree branch up my ass, punch me in the testicles, or stab me in the face with a wine bottle opener.

Occupation / Career

I am a very ambitious person who believes that hard work and professional dedication really pay off. That's why I'm proud to say that I am a "Production Custodian" at the local cheese factory just down the street from where I live. (I'm not actually involved on the 'business end' of things or even the cheese production process itself, but I do sweep the floors and keep things looking really nice and clean for the important people when they show up.)

Like I said, I am very ambitious. I know that, if I sweep the floors fast enough, they will eventually notice me and let me in on some of the really cool business things they do.

I also think they are highly impressed when I pull out my big, huge vacuum cleaner and penetrate those dirty office hallways like the mother-fucking, cleaning, "beast of a man" that I am. I may be going "corporate" just be prepared. (Wink! Wink!)

As a professional, I know it's important to pace yourself so that you don't get burned out. When I get tired from sweeping floors and vacuuming hallways, I venture into the employee restroom so that I can clean hardened chunks of poop off the toilet seats.

Sometimes the poop comes off easily and lands in the water with a nice little "ker-plunk." But sometimes you really have to scrub at it in order to remove it from the toilet rim. If you are lucky, you can simply spray disinfectant on it until it turns green and slides off naturally.

I find that this often provides rest, comfort, and even some solitude away from the noise and stress of the factory floor.

Daily Life / Hobbies

I believe it's very important to live a balanced life. I work hard, but I also know how to have fun. When Friday evening rolls around, I kick off my shoes and drink an entire 24-pack of beer while staring lethargically at the floor.

I've noticed that if you drink lots of beer, chain-smoke, and stare at the floor for several hours before getting up really fast and coughing, you will see pretty stars coming out from the corners of your vision.

If you do this in just the right way, the pretty stars will form a beautiful woman who sticks her tongue in your mouth while jerking you off. The only problem is, that the result is always the same. You wake up the next morning on the floor with your dick in your hand.

But rest assured, I don't do this every Friday night. I am a dynamic and versatile person. Sometimes, I listen to sappy 1980s love songs while crying deeply as I touch myself in a naughty place, before I masturbate ferociously and then smash my own face into the bathroom mirror.

Thoughts on Masturbation

I will say that masturbation does cause feelings of guilt sometimes. It can also lead to the feeling that one is pathetic and socially unacceptable (especially if you do it in public while other people are watching.)

Public masturbation is not something that I typically recommend, but I have noticed that the resulting feelings of guilt and shame can be released from your consciousness if you cut yourself repeatedly with a cheap BIC razor from Walmart. (They don't cost that much, they are economically efficient, and they can be easily disposed of as well.)

The more blood you let out, the less guilty you are going to feel...especially the type of guilt that occurs when you 'crank one off' while facing the wall as you sit on the front end of your toilet seat (or if you masturbate at an obtuse 163-degree angle on your couch, as you stare out the window and watch birds fly by.)

Letting blood out of your body not only releases these feelings of guilt, but it also reminds you that you are a person who has feelings...

And I am definitely a person who has feelings, which is why I'm looking for that special someone.

Likes / Dislikes

I like upside-down bluff climbing, riding bicycles backwards, anal bowling, sideways cross-country ski fucking, and moderately thin women who don't have mustaches.

I don't like individuals who claim they have "people skills".

Saying you have "people skills" is basically like saying, "Yeah, I can talk you into anything, and make it all sound really I slowly get behind you and then push your head down on my desk in order to repeatedly put myself inside you."

What I Am Looking For

I want someone who is just as unique and special as I am. But, I don't like people who judge. My last girlfriend once looked at me very angrily and said, "You know, even a door knob serves a purpose!"

I'm not completely sure what she meant by that.

Intellectualism and Documentaries

Knowledge and intellectualism are very important to me, which is why I enjoy certain documentaries such as:

A) "I Might Be Ugly And Stupid, But I Did Actually Fuck The School Secretary"

B) "Men Who Become Horribly Disfigured After Falling Into Fast Moving Conveyor Belts...And The Women Who Still Love Them"


C) "Becoming Demonically Possessed After Sitting In A Haunted House All Night By Yourself: What To Do And What Not To Do"


I just want that really special woman to show up in my life. I'm not sure why I haven't met her yet, but I promise that as soon as I get done crying in front of my therapist, I will be available immediately.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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