The Man's Guide To Surviving A Stent Removal

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 2 November 2019

image for The Man's Guide To Surviving A Stent Removal
Protect this area...always!

Did you know that if you have kidney surgery, the doctor will place an internal drainage tube called a stent in your ureter? Did you know that 6 weeks after the surgery, the doctor has to pull the stent out through your penis hole while you’re fully awake?

Surprisingly, not many people are fully aware of this. In fact, the average male citizen in the United States goes about his daily routine completely oblivious to the intricate details involved in a stent removal.

Statistics show that in the average course of the day, most men simply eat breakfast, take their children to school, go to work, fulfill their deadlines, eat dinner, watch the news, and then jump into bed with their wives so they engage in wild, perverted, animal-like, naughty sex before falling asleep comfortably. (Not once do they even think about the horrifying, painful, and bloody reality of having a medical tube pulled out of their penis holes.)

Needless to say, the procedure is quite horrifying. First, you are told to take off your clothes and dress in one of those flimsy medical gowns that covers your front but leaves your hairy ass hanging out if you don’t tie the back properly.

Then, you are led down an eerie hallway and into a small room full of nasty-looking medical instruments.

After that, you are instructed to lie down on a hard, uncomfortable, bed-like structure, and place your legs up on the props. As you lay there 'spreadeagle', the doctor puts on his mask and looks through his table of instruments.

Finally, a nurse comes in, and begins to hold your hand. She tries to comfort you, but you can see it in her eyes. She’s saying to herself, "I’m glad I’m not a man…and I’m especially glad I’m not this guy."

The doctor selects a large medical scope with a rubber tube-like structure attached to it, and then looms over you ominously, as you lay there spreadeagle and completely helpless. At this point, there is no denying reality. (Throughout the entire day, you kept trying to tell yourself that everything would be OK, but now there is no escaping your fate…something is going to be shoved into your penis hole, and there is nothing you can do about it.)

You can feel the sensitive inner-lining of your penis hole open up as the flexible tubing ruthlessly pushes though the hole and goes all the way down into your shaft, invading an area that you never thought possible.

Piercing, needle-like pain accompanies a burning sensation, as the tube gets pushed further and further into your penis in search of the elusive stent. (In addition to burning needles, it also feels like your balls are being stepped on by a giant, metal boot.)

At this point, you sadly realize that this is the only real action your penis ever gets to see other than daily urination…and of course…occasionally masturbating to nighttime infomercials for bun and thigh rollers.

Although this may seem like a rather odd time for such emotions to emerge, you also begin to feel rather melancholy about the lack of intimacy that has decorated your life. In fact, you almost feel complete despair.

You begin to ask yourself questions like: "Why am I always so lonely?"..."Why does everybody else find someone special to be with?"..."Why am I always the guy who ends up walking to his car alone while other couples kiss each-other in the parking lot before driving off together towards the sunset?"... and... "Why am I always the guy to has to drink can after can of Busch Light in my parents' garage at 3:00 am while staring at the moon as bats continually fly past my head?"

You feel a small lump beginning to form in your throat. You try to fight back the tears, but then you realize that you don’t have to because you are already crying...after all, there is a giant medical tube with a mechanical gripping device jammed inside your penis hole.

The doctor finally gets a hold of the stent with the little mechanical gripping device at the end of the flexible tubing. You can feel reverse pressure as he begins pulling the stent back out of your penis, breaking blood vessels along the way. You are almost there, and the horrible ordeal is almost over…but wait! There’s a problem! The doctor did not actually gain a firm hold of the stent with the gripping device…and he accidentally let go, meaning that the stent is now trapped inside your urethra. (If you ever wish to urinate again, the stent must be removed; therefore, the doctor has to make another attempt.)

Painfully, the doctor pulls the medical tubing out of your penis. You wish that you could feel relief, but you already know that he must re-start the entire procedure. All the pain you just went through meant absolutely nothing...except now there is a large foreign object stuck in your penis that the doctor may or may not be able to pull out.

The nurse holds your hand even tighter, and tries to reassure you that the procedure is almost over…as the doctor re-positions his flexible tubing device in order to go spelunking, once again, into the thin little cave of your urethra.

You have already gone through the emotions of sadness and despair about your lack of a love life, but now you begin to feel guilt. "Why is this happening to me?" you ask yourself as the medical tubing once again abrasively penetrates the sensitive lining of your penis hole. "Maybe this is happening to me because I wasn't a very good friend, you tell yourself.

[Remember how your buddy Jack was really worried that his girlfriend Samantha was cheating on him with Ryan, the quarterback of the football team? Remember how Jack called you up that one day and very nervously asked you if Samantha was cheating on him with Ryan? You knew the truth that she was, and you could have broken the news to him in a subtle and calming fashion...

But instead, you decided to inform Jack that while Ryan's parents were gone, he invited Samantha over to his house where he proceeded to fuck her silly until her eyes rolled in the back of her head. Was it really necessary to tell Jack that at one point, Ryan decided to "go deeper" by positioning Samantha from behind like a quarter back as he repeatedly thrust his massive, throbbing, nine-inch cock inside of her quivering vagina...causing her big, huge voluptuous boobies to bounce and jiggle all over the place as she moaned with such delightful agony that a distant wolf began howling? Jack also probably didn't need to know that, as Ryan was doing Samantha from behind, he gripped her beautiful brunette hair, and pretended that she was a pony as the madness of insane passion overtook them both.

You noticed that there was a painful silence over the phone, but you still thought it was necessary to tell Jack that Ryan invited a few of his friends over, and that they all took turns with Samantha. After they were finished, Samantha invited a few of her friends over, and a massive orgy of epic proportion erupted. The grunting and moaning became so loud, that it woke up the neighbors, who then phoned the police. The police arrived, but when they approached the house, they were so amazed by the wild orgy of love that was taking place that all the male and female police officers took off their clothes and joined in...The male police officers particularly enjoyed punishing Samantha their "night sticks."]

Maybe Jack didn't need to know all of that...

Anyway, after two more failed attempts, the doctor finally succeeds in pulling the stent out of your penis hole. Blood vessels were broken, tears were shed, and the nurse who held your hand actually gave you her phone number and informed you that she is very lonely on weekends.

But you are not concerned with love at this simply want to put your pants back on.

The war is over, the casualties have been counted, and the peace treaty was signed...but you still face another problem....peeing.

Because numerous blood vessels were torn during this procedure, urinating for the next month is going to be extremely painful.

Standing in front of the urinal is a frightening experience indeed.

Slowly but surely, the familiar "burning needle" sensation will begin in your urethral sphincter, and shoot all the way through the inside of your dick as bloody urine sprays out of your penis hole at an acute 32-degree angle. (If you’re lucky, the acute 32-degree angle will be horizontal and parallel to the floor. If you’re unlucky, the angle will be vertical, obtuse, and perpendicular to the floor, which will cause part of the urine to land on your shoes and the other part to ricochet off the porcelain and spray directly in your face.)

If the bloody urine, however, blasts out of your penis hole in a rotational counter-clockwise fashion with shifting angles that change combinations between acute-vertical and obtuse-horizontal every 3 seconds, and between acute-horizontal and obtuse-vertical every 7 seconds, then you’re really screwed.

In conclusion, the blood vessels inside your penis will eventually heal, the nightmares will eventually subside, and before you know it, you'll be peeing in healthy, linear fashion once again.

But, for many years to come, you're going to keep asking yourself why this happened to you. What did you gain from this horrible experience? (Except for the nurse's phone number, you really didn't gain anything at all.)

However, you do have one tactical advantage when it comes fighting.

The next time some big, burly, red-neck wants to beat the shit out of you in a bar, simply tell him this story.

He'll probably just buy you a drink and tell you his life story...including the time he had sex with some girl named Samantha.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more