Introducing The Pumpkin Patch!

Written by Jock Reasoning

Monday, 28 October 2019

image for Introducing The Pumpkin Patch!

For years, Halloween marketing has catered to kids, young people, parents, that pervy guy at the end of the cul-de-sac who is always oh-so-eager to greet the trick-or-treaters, and tightly wound protestors looking to suck the fun out of any-and-everything under the guise of whatever cause is applicable.

Yes, it’s a season that placates numerous demographics.

This season, however, a new group has been rewarded. Their patience has paid off. This Halloween season has produced an item that could change – everything.

“In true American fashion, we decided to be all-inclusive. Beer drinkers have their Oktoberfest selections. Coffee drinkers have their spiced lattes. But…what about smokers?” a representative for Halloween was quoted when asked about the process that went into this groundbreaking creation.

Yes, what about smokers?

A disgruntled group, cast aside by society along with lepers and NASCAR fans, smokers continue to fly the flag of tobacco, a crop that helped form the modern backbone of our great nation. So, why can’t they at least be involved? Why must they be ostracized?

“We’ve given them a seat at the Halloween table,” the spokesperson for Halloween proudly announced, “it may be in the very back of the table, but it’s there.”

What is this revolutionary change? What has Halloween created to include smokers in the holiday season?

“A pumpkin spice-flavored patch!”

The spokesperson awaited our reaction. She was met with confusion, followed by a slow nod of the head.

“What, you don’t like it?”

“It’s not that I don’t like it…I just…are they going to lick it? Eat it?” we asked.

The spokesperson laughed, “No! It infuses pumpkin spice-flavored nicotine into their bloodstream. In a way, they get more intimate with pumpkin spice than any other demographic!”

“Hmm, okay, I guess that kind of makes sense.”

“Here, try one!” the spokesperson slapped the thing onto our arm before we could object. “How does that feel?”

“A little weird.”

“Are you getting that rush of nicotine and pumpkin spice?”

We weren’t sure. It felt a little strange. “Uhh, I guess. Things do feel, I guess, more autumnal,” we admitted, looking down at the bright orange strip sucked to our arm.

“See? It’s a great Halloween addition!”

The spokesperson continued speaking, but we were feeling a bit woozy. We did, however, catch one remaining factoid about this Halloween accessory.

“We’re calling it…The Pumpkin Patch!” the spokesperson was ebullient. It was as though they had announced the greatest name in the history of names – well, aside from the Earl of Sandwich.

The Pumpkin Patch is now available to smokers! Welcome to the Halloween party, nicotine fiends! Get yours while they last!

We’ve already purchased half a dozen packs. We’re not sure what the Pumpkin Patch will do for smokers, but it has certainly instilled a craving within this non-smoker.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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