Written by Backandtotheleft

Friday, 15 September 2017


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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If you're British (we know you are if you're reading one of our pieces, there was one Finnish guy that read one and he died! Our work doesn't seem to translate well for international audiences) you will know that the Royal Family are better than you and Kate Middleton is certainly better than you and whatever shit you do. Speculation is rife with how Kate manages to look so young and unflustered every day when the rest of us look like were five minutes away from collapsing into a heap of stinking malnourished death. Well we trawled the internet for as long as we could be arsed to and came up with six reasons Kate Middleton is prettier than you.

1. She bathes every six hours in the unbaptised blood of orphans. This well used regime was developed in 16th Century Russia and has long being a staple for Royal families around the world. It was said this was the first thing Kate asked about upon becoming a member of the Royal family. We'd have probably have asked where the toilets were in Buckingham Palace as it seems a pretty fucking big place.

2. She never has to worry about if she has to decide between her kids eating a hot meal or if she can put the heating on. We all pick that bill up for her!

3. The stresses of juggling the school run and getting to and from work in traffic are a complete myth to this lady. You work so she doesn't have to

4. Dear Kate won't ever get a hunched back from heavy lifting. Never get crows feet from night working and never get arthritis from working in the cold. Her body and face will be kept in a pristine condition so she can keep on pumping out babies that the taxpayer can pay for.

5. Head and Shoulders two in one conditioner

6. Her sister and I totally had a thing years ago in a Leeds hotel room but no-one believes me. Literally the most sexually adventurous women I have ever met I even have her pants to prove it. This has got nothing to do with the above article it's just that I was sat there during the royal wedding when she bent down and I thought "I've tapped that". Quite impressive really

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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