Written by Rob Barratt

Sunday, 21 August 2016

Hey!

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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image for A call in the day of a telephone-survey guy

Hello Mr Barratt! This is Gavin from Surveysulike.web. Please could you spare us a few minutes of your very precious time (well, half-an-hour really) to take part in a survey about surveys?

No need to swear Mr Barratt! Can I call you Robert?

No, I can't call you "Winston effing Churchill", Mr Barratt. And how are you today?

Suicidal, you say? That's great! Lovely weather, eh?

Ah so it's "shit" where you are. Never mind. I'm Gavin and everything you say is being recorded for training purposes.

Yes, I'm sure that's where you'd like to shove our recordings and training Mr Barratt but now, out of ten, how would you rate your experience of telephone surveys? Zero is very negative and ten is fantastic.

As far below zero as is statistically possible you say, Mr Barratt? Well that's very disappointing, I must say.

Now, how would you summarise your attitude to surveys, Mr Barratt?

(a) they are helpful to gullible consumers
(b) they are helpful to companies trying to sell you things you don't want
(c) don't know

"A complete waste of time you moron", you say, Mr Barratt? Sorry there is no tick box for that.

Now which types of survey would you say are the most helpful?

(a) those providing customers with unwanted information
(b) those providing companies with your intimate personal and financial details
(c) none of the above

You say you loathe surveys with the same loathing that would equal the hate of a very hateful person indeed and you wish I would die a very slow and painful death. Thank you for your valuable response, Mr Barratt.

Oh, it's no good, Mr Barratt!! I hate surveys too and find your attitude totally refreshing. Let's run away together to a place far from where we have to be involved in stupid surveys, where our opinions about products and services don't matter, to the land of our dreams!

Where's that you say? Antarctica, Mr Barratt. Antarctica! …You'll come and I can call you Robert?? Fantastic!

Now, on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate Antarctica as a survey-free tourist destination?

Robert?... Robert?...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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