Written by Dick Sheerer

Friday, 31 July 2015

image for The Case Against Recreation - Part 19: Board Games

Board Games

Board games are custom coordinated games specially designed for boring people, and as such they are ill fit for anyone who wants an interesting game to play. The slow pace of these games is an ideal match to the rate of their inert intellect.

Monopoly- People who love the mind-numbing monotony choose to play the game of Monopoly, day after day, week after week; for adults it's just like another day in the rat race, only more monotonous. It's very popular among kids as a vicarious way to live the life of a grown up-at least that's what they think. In the game of Monopoly every player has a chance to be a fat cat landlord, investment banker, or railroad tycoon.

It's a capitalistic greed fest, where children learn the value of a buck early, as shred businessmen wheeling and dealing with the thrilling feeling of stealing-and killing the competition. Their mission is to climb the cut-throat corporate backstabber ladder, then pass go, collect two hundred dollars, pick up a get out of jail free card, then do it all over again and again until the game ends in ruin.

Checkers- The game of Checkers is a very basic board game specifically designed for the simpletons of society. It's a popular pastime in regions where uneducated lower class citizens are located. The stereotypical Checker player depicted as an inbred Appalachian with a banjo in one hand and a jug of moonshine in the other, and a checker between his toes. Not all Checker players fit this description, many are normal average people, but unfortunately those characters give all the other players a bad name, and forces them to hide behind closed doors and play the game in secret.

Chess- Chess is a more sophisticated version of Checkers, but the basic strategy is the same. Chess players are notorious procrastinators with nothing else to do. They like the game because it's an ideal way to waste lots of time in deep concentration thinking about their next move, instead of actually making their next move. Because Chess is the most boring of all board games, physicians advise their patients to watch Chess matches to cure insomnia-and the treatment is quite effective.

Bingo- This has been the Saturday night geriatric crowd's game of choice for over half a century, popular among senior citizens with a slow pace, and because winning is so rare that players rarely go into cardiac arrest from the excitement. The downside is that they may slip into a coma from the boredom.

With all the idiotic games on the market non-idiots felt left out so they filed a class action suit against game manufactures for discrimination and negligence, with punitive damages for pain and suffering. The case was settled out of court because the defense refused to bribe the judge. The industry agreed to make a special game for the plaintiffs just to get them to shut up and go way. The name of this new game was called "Scrabble" which is a derogatory term that refers to a litigious money-grubbing rat-like person, and Scrabble players are forever marred by this connotation because everyone knows it refers to them. The game itself is somewhat like a crossword puzzle--in other words, boring. It's for people who are too smart to play the other games and too dumb to do something useful.

Dominos- Yet another game geared for kids from 6 to 10 years old, but played mostly by adults with that same level of intelligence. Based on the simplicity of the dominos, just white dots on little black blocks, cognitive psychologist think that even animals such as dogs and pigs can learn to play the game.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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