Case Against Technology- Part 13: Mobile Devices

Funny story written by Dick Sheerer

Friday, 31 July 2015


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image for Case Against Technology- Part 13: Mobile Devices
Average IQ of Smartphone Users: 26

Mobile Devices- Having exhausted their capacity to think up any ideas for new products due to acute brain atrophy, manufacturers resorted to tinkering with the same old electronic components to make new gizmos - in a technological inbreeding kind of way.

The new products were cobbled together from spare parts scavenged from the sprawling industrial dump just outside Hong Kong. For pennies a day indentured servants in Asian sweatshops drudged away like mindless robots assembling the products, which they could not afford to own. They were truly rank and file, filing their fingers down to the bone in a rank smelling slave mill.

Their enterprising ability was an exercise in futility. Their failed attempts to cope with the draconian labor conditions made international headlines when a slew of them slew themselves by jumping off the factory roof. The owner of the processing plant, who just so happened to be the proud descendant of a long line of fishermen dating all the way back to the Dang Dynasty - and then some - tried to outsmart the suicidal staff by procuring an acrobat safety net from a traveling gypsy circus passing through town, and jerry-rigging it around the perimeter of the building in order to catch any jumpers. In which case, he would slice, dice, and stir-fry in a wok with a shot of soy sauce and a pinch of pepper on high heat until the sand passes from the top chamber into the bottom chamber the hourglass (five minutes), then serve - according to an old family recipe.

But alas, the feckless fisher's ploy was foiled because he failed to place the bait in the net, so the suicide crew outsmarted him and used other methods to end their lives. Despite their plight replacements were hired in the blink of an eye. Nothing whatsoever could stop the supply of mobile devices - except for the lack of buyers. So just as the entire tech industry was about to crash a cabal of Madison Avenue marketing gurus devised a ruse to cajole consumers into wasting their hard-earned money on yet another gadget. The Mad Men's plan worked like a charm. It was an idea whose time had come.

Laptops were much, much, much, much, lighter and still a powerful workhorse, but a weakening workforce will always want less of anything that has to do with work. So the miracle workers in marketing answered their prayers with the lazy man's ultimate tech toy - the Digital Tablet. Bigger than a smartphone and smaller than a laptop, it filled the gap with apps to spare. Now consumers had yet another excuse to waste even more time - and money.

The sad irony here is that while users think the smartphones advance their intelligence, the net result is a mental deficit after the electromagnetic waves are factored in. Phone makers fine tune the nuclear power settings of each unit to fluctuate within a delicately balanced frequency range to generate from the low end the minimum amount of radiation needed to fry enough brain cells to make users stupid, to the maximum at the top end before smoke pours out your nostrils and tumors fly out your ears like popcorn. When that happens you'll know you have cancer - and there's no app for that.

But there's apt name for smartphone users - Smartphonies - because they're not so smart after all. In fact anyone who has ever used one is classified as a new subspecies of the human race with genetically mutated freak of nature that should be captured and warehoused and put on display in a special zoo where teachers can take busloads of school children on a field trip to gawk at as an example of what will happen to them too if they ever even so much as look at a picture of a smartphone.

Prior to the smartphone revolution the tech sector was in the throes of ruin. The trillion dollar industry was about to go belly up and down the drain, and take the rest of society with it. There were no jobs left except for Steve. The upper echelon of tech titans lost their shirts and shit their pants, then ate the excrement and swallowed their pride on national television. Those who failed to move their bowels tried to liquidate assets and asses then drink the urine, unless they could set up a lemonade stand and sell it for a profit.

They blamed consumers for the problem because they didn't consume any of their shit. Tech execs vowed to retaliate against their customers someday, and tried everything to do so. As a last resort they could have filed for bankruptcy and refinanced with a generous government bailout. But they decided to opt for plan A instead. The disgruntled bosses used the only skill they had to make a comeback - criminality.

Like rats struggling to climb out of a storm drain during a torrential downpour they wasted no time mustering the gumption, using every resource at their disposal to initiate the most devastation debauchery since the Manhattan Project. But this time the enemy was us. And the weapon was the digital equivalent to a hand grenade. The only difference is that you hold it to your head instead of throwing it as far away as possible.

Up to this point consumers were already conditioned by advertising propaganda and their brain power was collapsing, so they were primed for annihilation. The sitting ducks, like fish in a barrel, were an easy target for the mobile phone marketers. And they took the bait - hook, line, and sinker.

Within five years after the smartphone was deployed millions of users were addicted, and that was no accident. It was hardwired into the phone hardware and could not be disabled, even at an authorized service center. The device has become as much of a part of a user's ensemble as their underwear, and they feel naked without it.

When a smartphone is stolen from a women it's not just theft, it's also kidnap and rape as far as she is concerned. Smartphones are the quintessential status symbol, and if you don't have one you're a nobody, a common bum, and a loser who is ostracized from society.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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