Channel 4 Plumbs New Depths: "Benefits Police" Moral Panic Documentary

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Friday, 3 July 2015

The famously controversial British television network, Channel 4, has hit yet another new low with a new 'moral panic' documentary.

The programme is a new sequel to:

Traffic Police, Cocaine Police, Heroin Police, Illegally Imported Polish/Romanian Caffeinated Beverages Police, Pimping Police, Dogging Police...

And to the recently banned sequel to Dogging Police, known as Doggy-Dogging Police.

So this new instalment, Benefits Police, borrows inspiration from the widely-respected slice of Birmingham and otherwise Midlands-ish life, Benefits Street.

But unlike Benefit Street, Benefits Police follows around some disreputable and widely-hated figures on the bottom rung of society…

Endeavouring to understand why they live such selfish, self-indulgent, parasitic lives.

Yes. The program unjustly demonises the overpaid tabloid journalists, or "Benefits Police," who try to "police" welfare assistance by highlighting extreme cases of welfare abuse, in order to insinuate that these weird stories are somehow representative of most benefits claimants.


Well, look. I know. It's…

It's just….

Well, it's just wrong, i'n't it, mate?

I just feel so… so bloody dirty.

I feel like a flaming parasite, mate. It's like…

Well, I just feel I'm just some bloody worm, squirming about in the messy under-bowels of society and of my employer's office, selfishly getting fat off the s*** of other people.

I mean, I always swore I would stop. I always dreamed I would make an honest man of myself.

Yeah… I always said, well you know how it is, I said:

One day, John, you are going to get yourself out of this mess, and make an honest living.

But as time goes on, you know, I just think to myself:

Oh God, Oh God, oh how I do, do wish I could just stop going on like this, and do something else instead.


But it's all I've ever known. I don't have any skills, any talents. Haven't got no value or character or virtues, or any remotely positive personal attributes.

Nothing at all to offer an employer; nothing whatsoever!

Well, it's true, i'n't it. I mean, the only skill I have, it's like, sitting on my arse for hours and pointlessly trolling on my laptop…

Or else, it's just going up to the man at the newspaper office that gives me my check at the end of the month, and then just blowing it on stupid, pointless s***e I don't need.

I mean, I've just never known anything else. Don't judge me 'til you've walked a mile in my shoes. You just don't understand what it's like. ;(

I mean, if I quit this now, I think I wouldn't survive. I'd just starve, you know?

Maybe that's wrong. It's excuse-making, i'n't it.

Yeah, I know.

I tell you, look, the wife threatened me a thousand times that if I didn't stop sponging and troublemaking and making other people's lives a misery with my self-indulgent, selfish attitude, she would leave me.

She said I was bringing shame on this family.

And the saddest thing is?

I just know she's right. >____<

And then I just thought to myself:

What must it be like for my kids, my own flesh and blood, to have a worthless, idle dad like me?

I just can't imagine how those other kids must treat them. It just breaks my heart.

Yeah… God forgive me for saying this, mate, but when the wife took the kids from our home and went to live elsewhere…

Well, it was the greatest kindness she could ever have done them.

So what kind of a man does that make me?

Yeah, it's so hard to say that; but it's the truth, i'n't it? :*(

You know sometimes, you know, the guilt gets to you, yeah I mean, you want to swallow some pills and, and…

And you know, just be done with it, you know?

But you just have to carry on… you just do, don't you?

God knows why. I just feel like filth, mate. Sheer filth.

That's all I am. That's all I'll ever be…

Sorry… I'm a bit…

Yeah, can you stop the camera, mate?

Yeah. Sorry. I'm just so, so, so, sorry… ;(

Notable public figure and eruditely accomplished Sun literatus Rod Liddle was unimpressed.

"I prefer Benefits Street, mate," he puffs. "I mean, this one looks a bit crap."

Is that all you've got to say,Rod?

"Well yeah, mate, I mean, it's the easy way out. Line of least resistance, yeah?"

Still, there's more to come.


Ha, mate! Well yeah, good money, you're not wrong there mate. :D

Hey, listen, mate! Who gives a monkey's about all these silly fake pieties about personal responsibility and a good day's work and that? I'm not down with that at all, man!

Nah! Long as they gives me my blummin' money, who cares?

I'm alright, Jack! Who gives a blummin' rat's arse, mate?

I mean, those people stupid enough to give it me, then it's not my problem, is it?

I mean, I couldn't care less! Victimless bloody crime, mate! ;)

Actually it's not even a crime; I'm entitled to this money. If they gives me it, I'm gonna take it, innit? I mean, ya would, wouldn't ya?

Anyway I deserve it, yeah? I mean, I'm a bloody good lad!

I mean, far rather they gave the money to me, a hard working journo hack like me, rather than all them bloody, ya know, illegals and Islamics and foreigners 'n' that, ya know, all them dodgy types I'm always writing about for the boss, for me blog 'n' that.

I mean, they offers it ya, ya just blummin' takes it, innit? I mean, don't look a gift horse in the mouth 'n' that.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Laughing all the way to the BLOODY bank, mate! :P

Notable non-Belgian, universally venerated Cognocrat and citizen of The Global Village, um, of a universally unknown European statelet Jean-Claude Juncker…

Well, he didn't approve of the documentary; legally or otherwise!

This is just ridiculous, moralistic, rabble-rousing, politically motivated agitprop!

They are seriously undermining our, um, MY efforts to promote economic freedom…

By maliciously and implausibly denying that working class individuals in the UK are lazy, shiftless, contemptible heaps of worthless, subhuman pigs***e, who disdain to do any kind of manual labour or other unpleasant job!

I mean, it's not that my collaborators here in Brussels give a rat's arse about those bloody Hungarian or yada-yada-yada-kind-of immigrants anyway; they're only a means to an end, after all.

But we simply cannot tolerate provocative and offensive television programs that perpetuate the sinisterly persistent myth that there exists a large number British workers, across all identity categories of ethnicity, religion, gender, or any other criteria…

That are somehow desperate to get any job they are offered, and just finally get to put in some solid day's graft.

No… such a self-evidently palpable, cynical, falsehood is completely unacceptable!

Nick Griffin, formerly of SWP, um, BNP, (well, same thing, pretty much!), agreed with Juncker once again.

Well, yeah, he's obviously right, even if he is a flaming plastic-helmet, baguette-waving continental.

I mean, this documentary is making fun of and sneering at all those patriotic UK tabloid journalists…

Who have actually been very constructively and positively supportive of the BNP's efforts to characterise all immigrants, without exception, as evil, worthless, sacks of S*** who are ruthlessly invading and destroying our country.

I mean, I'm not really proper racist as such, yeah. Not like the National Front and other genuine, non-borderline bigots and fanatics. But at least I'm man enough to qualify this, right?

I mean, to be fair, I can, you know, hold my hand up and say I'm not normally a big fan of foreigners.

But still, if this useful idiot, this Juncker lad, is criticising Benefits Police, then I admire him even more than a certain fellow renowned Eurocorporatist and Euronationalist fellow-traveller of his from Germany!

… Nah, not not that one. I actually meant Merkel! But still, if the cap fits...!

So perhaps extremes meet, les extrêmes se touchent.

Sally, a factory worker from Doncaster, said:

Well, it takes an assimilationist corporatist arsehole to know an assimilationist corporatist arsehole.

These two manipulative, nob'ead fantasists, Juncker and Griffin, want a single, coercively unified Europe with no room for separatism and dissent! Well, they're just made for each other.

Sally's Romanian colleague and fiancé, Bogdan, agreed.

Those pompous pricks in Brussels talk the talk, but they don't give a shite about us. A lot of UK people have welcomed us, including my British colleagues at this factory, and our Sally.

But those hypocritical bureaucratic nobheads in Brussels can just kiss my arse. They're actually no better than the BNP!

Rumour has it that the National Front/SWP (insofar as there is a difference), have also endorsed Juncker's achingly well-meaning and genial comments.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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