Written by Auntie Matter

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

image for The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever
Almost as Embarrassing as This.

How many of these embarrassing moments have you experienced?

1. Being fired for "total incompetence" in front of all your colleagues.

2. Accidentally stumbling across your new bride screwing her ex-beau on a snooker table during your wedding reception while you were searching the hotel rooms for the surprise honeymoon gift you had been keeping for her for months; a whirlwind trip for two to the Grotto of the Blessed Virgin in Fatima, Portugal.

3. Messing your pants in church while receiving Holy Communion. The girl you dream of marrying one day is standing behind you.

4. Drunk, and after weeks of courtship, you throw up on your girlfriend's face the first time you make love to her... at the moment of climax.

5. Being told by your analyst that your inferiority complex is "the worst example of its kind I have ever had the misfortune to come across in my entire, professional life!"

6. Your only son tries unsuccessfully to murder you by throwing you out of an upstairs window.

7. Your only daughter opens the window for him.

8. A geriatric, female midget beats you at arm wrestling in a packed pub the night you are out celebrating being awarded an Honours Degree in Physical Education.

9. Pope Francis excommunicates you personally... on national TV.

10. George W. Bush mentions you by name as a "close personal friend" to a room full of international paparazzi.

11. A four years old Idiot Savant, whom you have never met, beats you at chess the first time you visit your new in-laws.

12. You are sure you have won twenty-nine and a half million on the Euro Lottery but cannot find your ticket. You are told at Heathrow Airport that the Terminal One duty-free bag wherein you had placed your ticket has never been seen. The old Jamaican who used to sweep the floors there quit his job because of recurring anxiety attacks and cannot be found. He was last seen boarding a plane to Miami, arm-linked to a stunning Malaysian stewardess half his age, whistling Abba's "Money, Money, Money".

13. Cher tells "Men Only" magazine that you are the worst lay she ever had.

14. After spending a fortune on a transgender operation you are unexpectedly informed that you are too bald, too fat, too ugly, too old, and too certifiably insane to enter the Miss Universe Competition.

15. You go to Lourdes in the hope of a miraculous cure for glaucoma but fall down the steps of your airplane on its return home to Dublin, breaking both hips and an arm. As you are lifted onto a stretcher an Irish priest tells you that it was a "miracle you weren't killed". You give thanks to the Blessed Virgin. And your eyesight gets worse.

16. You visit Hollywood and are flattered to be sent on a blind date with a "real star". You wake up in bed with Maureen O'Hara.

17. The boss of the computer firm where you work, Mustapha Laff, sends you to a "UNIX convention"; and you mysteriously end up in a eunuchs' tent in Saudi Arabia wearing a large bandage where your crotch used to be.

18. You try to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge unaware that the river is frozen. You wake up in hospital with multiple fractures.

19. You book a holiday to Spain but the travel agent tells you that you have no money left in your account. When you complain to the bank that your "life's savings cannot just have mysteriously vanished into thin air", they tell you that you defaulted on loans (that you never took) to the tune of a hundred thousand pounds... and they can prove it. They advise you to contact their lawyers... the merciless Schillings of London.

20. You invite four of your friends out to dinner to celebrate your birthday. When the bill arrives you discover you have left your wallet at home. As you linger in the toilet trying to find a solution to your unfolding nightmare, your 'friends' sneak out en bloc without paying. After you politely explain your situation to the smiling waiter, Chinese chefs storm out of their kitchen to beat you to a pulp. Nobody visits you in hospital. Your girlfriend is so embarrassed she never speaks to you again. The restaurant sends you a spring roll as a "get well" present.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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