I'm Just a Laidback and Festively Plump Individual

Funny story written by Joe Nuernberg

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

I'm a stress-free type of guy who takes life with a carefree attitude. I guess you can say I'm just a laidback and festively plump individual and there is nothing wrong with that. I guarantee it. Think of how beneficial technologies like transportation, cellular devices, and the Internet. As long as someone or something else does the work for me, I'm ready to go.

I value transportation. For example, cars are a useful invention because they make our lives stress-free by swiftly transporting us from place to place while eliminating the necessity to use our legs altogether. Instead of walking those four blocks to spend money at McDonalds, why not just drive there? The car travels faster and it allows me to start eating sooner. The full size SUV makes it easier to shove those Big Macs down my throat behind the wheel than to eat them while hobbling down the sidewalk. Make the dinosaurs do the work for us.

The elevators from my floor to the seventh floor are a gold mine, saving me numerous steps up the stairs for laundry. My uptight friends insist I take the stairs. They do not get it. I'm exerting so much force and work moving up these steps. My glands produce sweat - a combination of essential amino acids and water. Imagine all the nutrients I'm losing! I could become dehydrated. Every week I would be losing millions of these molecules. These elevators are a haven, conserving numerous amounts of resources. I just saved myself at least 100 seconds and that is a wonderful deal.

My roommate has a perfectly functional TV in our room. I can clearly see the dust that surrounds the TV. Does my roommate have the chance to enjoy his TV? I'm just fulfilling my duty in operating the TV. I help the circuits flow and allow the system to get into rhythm. The television should thank me for helping it. However, there are times where the remote is out of my reach. Thankfully, I have an app for that. Why must I muster myself to move five inches and waste energy? I am perfectly fine controlling my TV with my phone, lying in bed. With a quick swipe, I can control the power, volume, channel, and settings. No more reaching out and uninterestingly pushing click, click, and click. Just swipe, swipe, swipe.

Some people say that you have to exercise, but I don't see it that way. You want me to run or dance? Sure, look at me gracefully raise my leg like a dog at a fire hydrant. I had my fair share of playing sports. Most of them resulted in ankle sprains and back injuries. Instead, I can just watch sports on my Ipad with my DirecTV bundle. It's the same thrill but without the injury.

I mean, technology is great! The person who invented the automatic moving floor escalator at airports is a genius. Standing still and drinking sodas while moving at the same time? Who wouldn't say yes to that? The floor escalators help comfort me for my ride on the plane. I'm not madly dashing around the place, getting hit by other people and lugging my heavy baggage.

Whenever I'm hungry, I always have companies deliver food to me. Have them deliver it to you. Have them work for their money. So what if it costs more? You just saved a lot of energy and work. It's not laziness, it's efficiency. You just made dinosaurs do the work again.

Well, with technology and smarter thinking, I do not have to exert more work and I'm perfectly content with where I am. Think about it. Laidback people tend to be healthier than others. They probably have low pulse rates, and there's less risk of acquiring stress related sicknesses such as heart disease. They do not place themselves in harmful situations. As long as I have technology, I'm fine. I'm just saying there's no disadvantages in being a laidback, and festively plump individual. Living like a sloth works just fine for me.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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